Scene 1: Gordon and Sarah's flat. Sarah is relaxing with a glass of wine and EastEnders, having just put John to bed.
Enter Cherie, followed by Leo in his toy Ferrari.
Cherie: Hi, Sarah. Have you got a moment?
Sarah: Er, yes, yes, of course. [She turns off the television.]
Cherie: Tony and I are off to Baghdad for a flying visit. You couldn't keep an eye on
Leo for us? He's absolutely . . .
Leo presses a button on his Ferrari. An ear-piercing siren noise drowns out Cherie.
Sarah: He's what?
Cherie [shouting]: HE'S ABSOLUTELY NO TROUBLE AT ALL.
Sarah: Right. Don't suppose you could kill that noise? It's taken me about an hour to get John to go down.
Cherie switches off the siren and diverts Leo's attention with a portable PlayStation.
Cherie: Here, Leo.
Sarah: How long are you off for?
Cherie: Forty-eight hours. You won't notice he's here.
Leo drops the PlayStation and it shatters into pieces. He bursts into tears. Cherie takes another one out of her handbag and gives it to him.
Sarah: What happened to your nanny?
Cherie: Done a runner. Third one this month. Can you believe it?
Sarah: Er - yeah, in a way.
Cherie: Seeing as you're a full-time mum, I thought you wouldn't mind if I parked him here occasionally. So much nicer for him if he's looked after by someone he knows. He can be like a big brother for John.
Sarah: But, hang on, I mean . . .
Cherie: You're an angel. See you next week.
Sarah: Next week?!?
Cherie [exiting]: Mwah, mwah.
Leo rams his Ferrari into Sarah, knocking her over. John toddles in, crying.
Scene 2: Blair Force One. Tony is working on his speech while Cherie is doing her toenails with one hand and talking to Carole Caplin on her mobile with the other.
Cherie: I can't stand the Green Zone. It's absolute hell. I mean, everyone says it's just like America but there's no DKNY, no Calvin Klein, no Ralph Lauren.
Enter the Chief Steward.
Chief Steward: We're making our final approach to Baghdad. No more phone calls. Captain's orders.
Cherie [ignoring him]: Not even a Debenhams or a House of Fraser. Might as well be stuck in the middle of the bloody desert.
Tony: For God's sake, Cherie, stop yacking. I've got to finish this speech.
Cherie [into phone]: Got to go, darling. Mwah, mwah!
Exit Chief Steward.
Cherie: So, what are you going to say?
Tony: Well, the big theme is "massive improvements for ordinary Iraqis".
Cherie: Like what?
Tony: Oh, God, lots of things. We're investing in new trauma units, new amputation centres . . . And we're building a brand new cemetery outside Basra that promises to be the largest in the Middle East. None of this would have happened without the invasion.
Cherie: Is that it?
Tony: I'll mention free speech, Saddam on trial and all that - and I'll round off with a vision of hope for the future, you know, prosperity and peace for all, and no Americans anywhere, just ordinary Iraqis visiting Wal-Mart, Starbucks and Foot Locker. What do you think?
Cherie: It sounds wonderful. One thing: when did you last meet an ordinary Iraqi?
Tony: I've met the president and you can't get much more ordinary than him.
Scene 3: Gordon and Sarah's flat. Gordon is watching the Six O'Clock News while eating a packet of shortbread. Leo is zooming back and forth in his Ferrari. Sarah is feeding John.
Gordon: Have you got a licence for that vehicle?
Leo: I want to watch Teletubbies.
Gordon: Well, you can't.
Leo: My daddy's telly is bigger than yours.
Gordon: Why don't you go and watch it, then?
Leo bursts into tears.
Gordon: Oh, for heaven's sake. [Handing him a piece of shortbread.] Here, have one of these. Scotland's finest. [Leo takes the biscuit.] Hang on. I've given you too much. Give me 40 per cent back.
Sarah: And if you die before you've finished it, he'll take another 40 per cent.
Leo shoves the biscuit in his mouth and begins to choke.
Gordon: Quick, Sarah, do something.
Sarah leaps up and performs the Heimlich manoeuvre. The biscuit flies out of Leo's mouth and hits Gordon in the eye.
Gordon [clutching his eye]: That's my good eye, you little bastard. I can't take it any more.
Sarah [speaking into her mobile]: Cherie - you'll have to find another nanny for Leo. This isn't working out.
Scene 4: Blair Force One. Enter Cherie, followed by a 12-year-old Iraqi girl on crutches. She has one leg.
Tony: Who's this?
Cherie: I found her in the amputation centre. Isn't she darling?
Tony: You want to adopt her?
Cherie: No, no, darling. She's our new nanny.
Tony: But she's an illegal. She won't get past immigration at Heathrow.
Cherie: She can apply for asylum. If she returns to Iraq she'll face certain death at the hands of a rogue state.
Tony: But Iraq isn't a rogue state.
Cherie: I mean America, silly.
Tony: Hmmm. You may have a point.
