Strangers on a train, Jack laid bare, and a Chief Whip with a grudge

Heading north to the land where people still vote Labour, Tory hard nut David "Basher" Davis was required to step aside before boarding a King's Cross train. Tumbling from the first-class carriage were three uniformed rozzers plus sniffer dog. "You're taking my safety too seriously," chirruped the broken-nosed SAS chap, before settling down to await the VIP fellow traveller worthy of such attention. Her Majesty? The Prime Minister? That shop girl who won The Apprentice? Cue the coach door sliding open to reveal a gorilla with a sore head. It was miserable "Two Shags" himself, retaining gold-star security as well as that London love nest and Hornywood for the weekends. Prezza scowled, Basher sniggered. Disrespectful MPs wonder if the search was to check that Tracey Temple wasn't on the train. The game secretary, incidentally, respectfully referred to Prezza as "DPM" even at the height of passion.

A quivering informant drops his sports bag to recount a sight so disturbing that it merits an XXX rating. Picture if you can Jack "The Lad" Straw, naked, combing his hair in front of a full-length mirror in the Commons gym. If the thought fails to induce nightmares, try imagining him down on all fours, still naked, looking under cubicle doors. My snout is unsure if peeping Jack was seeking or avoiding someone. I shall investigate.

Still thinking of The Lad, Straw feels betrayed by fellow oldie Margaret Beckett - described in FBI files as resembling Princess Anne - since he was demoted to minister for paper clips and she gets to tow her caravan along Route 66. The pair were once such mates that, when Barings Bank collapsed, Princess Margaret danced into his office to declare: "It's the end of capitalism, it's the end of capitalism." Now it's the end of a friendship.

Rebel chatter on the Terrace turns to the Chief Whip Jacqui Smith's efforts to embrace malcontents, Miss Whiplash despatching a friendly letter to her charges with a promise to treat them all with respect. The approach is compared kindly with her predecessor Hilary Armstrong's Rosa Klebb act - all who defied the outgoing premier were enemies within. The talk is of how Rosa threatened Smith, when she was schools minister, that her career would be finished if the education bill fell. Now the stiletto boot is on the other foot.

The application of Kremlinology to the cabinet reshuffle uncovers a Brownite takeover of defence, with Blairite old tankie John Reid replaced by Big Gordie's hitmen Des "Bomber" Browne and Tommy "Gun" Watson. The switch could prove a costly error by the outgoing premier. Should he refuse to abdicate, muse his detractors, Big Gordie is now in a position to stage an armed coup.

Kevin Maguire is associate editor (politics) of the Daily Mirror

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