The Hunt Awards for best-dressed man and fairy of the year go to . . .

Team of the Year: Chelsea done good, but so they should. Arsenal done gooder, but have won nothing. So far. Thus my team of the year is Carlisle United, for winning promotion two seasons running.

Fairy of the Year: Pascal Chimbonda of Wigan. Did you see him last Saturday in that final game, wearing gloves? Gloves! Almost 80°, well into May. Soft or what?

Best Dressed Awards: David Beckham is now a parody of a best-dressed player, so aware and so self-obsessed. Ditto José Mourinho, who has been wearing that boring black scarf, tied in that trendy way, even though our tortoise has long been out, which means it's summer, which means no more scarfs. José, get a grip. So, in first place is Mark Hughes of Blackburn. I have watched him all season on the touchline in his immaculate dark suit, sparkling white shirt, lovely tie, no creases. He does wear a traditional suit well. Every mother and grandmother must think, oooh.

In second place comes Mike Newell of Luton. Not seen much of him recently, but I do like his style, wearing a nice suit - but with what appears to be a white vest. Smart, yet ever so casual. And he never shows any emotion. That's so chic.

Sox of the Year: As worn by Thierry Henry. He pulls them up over his knees in moments of, well, I dunno. A secret signal? Let's hope Barca can't work it out.

Luckiest Manager: Steve McClaren. Not just for getting the job, but being so unpopular. Kevin Keegan and Glenn Hoddle arrived on a wave of national euphoria, and it did them no good. Better to raise no expectations. Has anyone checked the McClaren genealogy? Must be Scottish, somewhere, yet he got in on the English ticket.

Best Quote: "The game is very predictable, as we predicted." This was Bryan Hamilton, back during the African Cup of Nations finals. I wrote it down, and saved it. Can't waste a pearl.

Biggest Clichés: Everyone who has ever played for any team at any time for more than half an hour is now, wait for it - a legend. The London Evening Standard, writing the other week about Ian Wright, described him as "a one-time Arsenal legend". Surely a legend lasts for ever?

Mysteries of the Season: Well done to Reading, coming up into the Premiership, but what or who is their shirt sponsor - Kyocera? Is it a car, a tomato paste, a Korean porn film? In Europe, I would also like to know about Seville's shirt sponsor - Stevenson. Could they have the world's first literary shirt?

Farewell to: Alan Shearer, 260 goals in 427 Premiership games with Blackburn and Newcastle, and to Dennis Bergkamp, 87 goals in 253 appearances for Arsenal. Jolly well done - but please, please do not describe them as "loyal servants to football". Were they skivvies, on shit wages, with no rights, no freedom, sleeping in attics? I think not.

Suggestion for Next Season: Tape measures for refs. At present they pace out ten steps at free-kicks, but so many of them are huge lumps these days, such as Uriah Rennie and Steve Bennett, with very long strides, compared to Dermot Gallagher, who is small and weedy. And so the defence gains when it's a titchy ref. Come on, Wenger, why have you not protested?

Worries About Next Season: Now that Sultana, or whatever it's called, has got lots of TV rights, I expect fans will have to pay even more to get access to all the games. Players will demand more money, and get it. But what really pisses me off is the vast salaries that time-serving FA officials and talentless chief executives pay themselves for contributing nothing - purely for being jobsworths in an industry which happens to generate more billions every season.

Good luck to: Arsenal and Boro, each in a Euro cup final. Could England win both Euro pots, then go on to win the World Cup? Calm down, Hunt. Must be the heat, or these socks. I think I've pulled them up far too far. Can't breathe, let me out . . .

Right, now - off for four weeks. Back in time for the World Cup excitements, with all fingers and metatarsals crossed . . .

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