Win vouchers to spend in any Tesco store

Competition No 3928

Set by Dean Juniper, 24 April

You were asked to redesign the human being, bionically or otherwise.

Some of you improved personkind with metal attachments; others fast-forwarded into Darwinian fulfilment. I was amused by Harry Glenister's "silver tongue, stiff upper lip and coeur de lion", as well as J Seery's views about dumping the Fabian approach (tinkering) and going all-out Marxist-Leninist (total revolution), but there was too little on what that would entail. £20 to the winners. The best (Mr Silverman) also gets the Tesco vouchers.

Avoid the mind-numbing tedium of gym attendance. Cardiac Workout electronically speeds up the heart rate and releases exercise-induced endorphins. Get on with living while achieving the same fitness effect as hours of sweaty pounding on a running machine. Comes with pericardium-embedded microchip and wi-fi wristband initiator button.

No more cursing ineffective central heating thermostats; no more piling on of moth-eaten sweaters. Bloodheater sited subcutaneously, close to upper-arm artery, with Intel ambient temperature-activated regulation. Banish shivering for ever!

A modern convenience for the more adventurous bionic improver. Evacuvac - requires a simple operation, rerouting the lower bowel and ureters out through a triple-secure valve in the navel. Small clamp-on electronic gut and kidney-stimulating suction-extractor attachment slips discreetly under clothing. No more queueing for the toilet. A boon to workaholics, the disabled, the elderly, easyJet frequent flyers, and those stuck in traffic jams.

Anne Du Croz

Kafka was well ahead of his time. Far from being an empty symbol, metamorphosing into cockroaches is clearly our best bet for the future. The process should be simple enough: an incremental genetic bonsai-ing is all that is needed for the required downsizing. The extra legs and carapace can be added prosthetically or, more authentically and thus more effectively, by genetic modification using a Jurassic Park-esque DNA technique. The results will be well worth the effort. Human cockroaches would take up very little space. They would be gregarious and essentially peaceful creatures, good at sports, with a low centre of gravity, no tiresomely brittle metatarsals, good in the air and on the ground. They could sing and play guitar (viz: Eddie Cockroach). They would be able to fly and even swim long distances without tiring. Best of all, cockroaches are famously and uniquely resistant to exposure to high radiation doses. In short, we would be perfectly adapted to the perils of modern civilisation: overcrowding, global warming, nuclear destruction and Spanish hotels.

David Silverman

The new bionic human will have a brain with readily accessible memory compartments, like a good filing system, enabling instant retrieval of everything stored. There will be a button at the base of the skull which, when pressed, produces an orgasm. Eyes (also in the back of the head) will have inbuilt filters to cut out harmful rays, and the nose and mouth will have inbuilt filtering systems to enable safe breathing in toxic environments.

The body will have three arms and hands, as required for everyday tasks such as measuring a wall, holding the baby while making tea and reading the Telegraph on the Tube. Fingers will be elongated but still strong enough to press keys and buttons.

There will be two sets of each vital organ to provide a back-up should the first fail. Genitals will be modified to appear more aesthetically pleasing. Three powerful legs and feet will provide better balance and, when swivelled into rotating mode, faster walking and running.

Katie Mallett

No 3931 Set by Ian Birchall

The "Euston Manifesto", with its commitment to democracy, human rights, feminism and stance on anti-Americanism and reactionary Islamism, has been much hyped. Give us a declaration appropriate to some other railway station.

Max 175 words by 25 May. E-mail: comp@newstatesman.co.uk

Post your comment

Please note: you will need to login or register before you can comment on the website