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Village life - Kevin Maguire finds Labour two inches shorter
Published 15 May 2006
"Buff" Hoon keeps a diary, Andy Marr gets help with an interview, and new Labour shrinks
Even herbivores can bite, so Tony Blair will be disturbed to learn that demoted Geoff "Buff" Hoon has kept a diary for years. Every night, I hear, the seething chap (punished by the outgoing Prime Minister for his growing closeness to the incoming one) pours himself a drink, then jots down what he's seen and heard, before turning out the lights. Hoon's account of the inner workings of the lavatory refurbishment (cisterns) subcommittee as leader of the House are unlikely to trouble Blair. Not so five years spent as defence secretary, burying bodies over Afghanistan and Iraq. The lowly Europe minister (as Hoon now is) may yet find himself the recipient of flattering requests to attend cabinet to share his wisdom. Half the faces at the top table, reckons my man with the stationery, have a political insurance policy. What's wrong with the other half?
Labour's £500-a-plate fundraiser at the Park Lane Hilton is a sour affair, a New Testament premier musing on the importance of using "God-given abilities" to the full, as Old Testament avenger Big Gordie's plague of locusts devours the Blairites. Cherie is moping at home or hiding behind a pillar. Lord Levy of Cashpoint, helping police with their inquiries into the loans-for-lordships scandal, is for once the mouse that fails to roar. Charles "Chief Super"(Rtd) Clarke holds court in a corner, a glum Ian "Big Mac" McCartney is relegated to table 12. Replacing the 5ft 1in party chair with pocket politician Hazel Blears, a 4ft 11in tap-dancing motorbiker, is confirmation that new Labour is shrinking.
Citizen Dave has finally enjoyed the expletive wisdom of Saint Bob, as Geldof fulfils a promise to advise the rebranded Tories on how to save the world's poor. The Cons flaunted Bob's agreement to speak to Dave as evidence they were cool and hip and new. Embarrassed Bob, realising he'd been had, promised three hours. He gave them just 60 minutes and vowed never again to accept a walk-on role in the Citizen Dave show.
Brrrng, brrrng. The phone rings at the Sunday AM show and, unexpectedly,
on the line is John Reid's Mini-Me, Steve "Master" Bates. Andrew Marr is about to interview Big Gordie, and Master Bates, I'm reliably told, suggests a number of tough questions Big Ears might like to put to the Chancellor. Brownites whisper that when he's PM Big Gordie will be too canny to sack old tankie Reid. A mouthpiece caught dripping poison, however, would be another matter.
The political editors of Rupert Murdoch's Sun and Times are confident they'll be handed the Downing Street scoop when Blair announces his retirement. A premier who started prostrate on Hayman Island, grovelling to Rupe in 1995, is planning to finish face down in Wapping.
Kevin Maguire is associate editor (politics) of the Daily Mirror
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