Scene 1: Gordon and Sarah's flat. Early evening. Sarah is putting Baby John to bed. Gordon is in the bathroom.
Sarah: Gordon! Quick! He just said his first word.
Gordon: Coming!
Gordon trots in. Grabs the videocam. Switches it on. Makes encouraging faces at Baby John.
Gordon: OK, John. Say it again. [To Sarah] What was the word?
Sarah: Sounded like "Neil".
Gordon: Neil? Neil Kinnock maybe?
Baby John: Ee-nee.
Gordon: Endogenous growth?
Baby John: Ee-ree-ree.
Gordon: Redistribution!
Baby John: Re-
Gordon: Come on, John. You can say it.
Baby John: Re-
Gordon: Real-term increase in investment?
Baby John: Re-new-al!
Gordon and Sarah exchange a glance.
Sarah: Renewal?
Baby John: Renewal! Renewal! Renewal! Renewal! Renewal!
Gordon: Damn.
Baby John: Renewal! Renewal! Renewal!
Gordon: He must have heard me rehearsing my interview on GMTV.
Scene 2: The front hallway at No 10. Gordon is on his knees beneath the letter box, sifting through the morning mail. Enter Tony.
Tony: Not like you to be on bended knee, Gordon. Expecting another visit from Angelina Jolie?
Gordon [continuing to search the mail]: Just a second, Tony. There's something here I think . . . Aha! [He springs up clutching a letter] I believe this is for you.
Tony: You don't honestly think I deal with my own correspondence, do you? I leave that to my secretary.
Gordon: But it's marked "Private and Confidential". I believe it's from some concerned citizens who are terribly worried about the future of this country.
Tony: In that case, stick it in the circular file.
Gordon: Eh?
Tony: The waste-paper basket, Gordon.
Scene 3: 9.30pm. The Prime Minister's office. Tony Blair is sitting with his feet up on his desk, watching television. Enter Gordon.
Gordon: Evening, Tony. Sorry to disturb you, but I thought this might be a good moment to discuss your, er, your plans for the future.
Tony: Shshsh.
Gordon: What's that you're watching? [Looking at the television] Crimewatch?
Tony: The Apprentice.
Gordon: Isn't that some sort of reality show? It's shocking the way the BBC has squandered the licence-payers' money on this garbage.
Tony: It's rather good, actually. In fact, it's given me an idea about how to find a successor.
Gordon: Sorry?
Tony: I'll select the 14 most ambitious Labour MPs and then . . . Gordon [interrupting]: But Tony? I thought, I mean, well . . .
Tony: Don't worry, Gordon. I'm sure you'll make it to the last five.
Gordon: But I always assumed . . .
Tony: I like the idea of whittling it down to two women, though. A choice between Tessa Jowell and Ruth Kelly. Give that David Cameron a run for his money.
Gordon: But, but, but . . .
Tony: Don't worry, Gordon. I'm just teasing you. You are - and always will be - my apprentice.
Gordon: Listen, Tony, we have to discuss a timetable for an orderly transition of power. What if I offer you a "Prescott"?
Tony: A what?
Gordon: You get to keep your salary, your limousine, your grace-and-favour apartment and your house in the country. You just wouldn't be in the cabinet.
Tony: Hmm. Would I get to keep my title?
Gordon: What title?
Tony: Prime Minister, obviously.
Gordon: But that would defeat the whole purpose of the deal.
Tony: Why? You'd be in charge. You'd have all the power. You just wouldn't be called Prime Minister, that's all.
Gordon: But I want to be called Prime Minister.
Tony [returning his attention to the television]: Shshsh. Sir Alan's about to fire someone.
Scene 4: The first cabinet after the reshuffle. Tony arrives to find a gaily wrapped parcel ominously placed on his chair. He takes the card gingerly, sensing a prank.
Tony [reading]: "Congratulations on finally naming Gordon as your successor. From your loyal cabinet colleagues." Well, that's some of you at least.
He opens up the package. It's a bowl of gleaming brown dates.
Gordon: Can I have one, Tony?
Ruth Kelly: I feel like a date too, Tony.
Geoff Hoon: Me too. Please give me a date.
Margaret Beckett: I want a date.
Full cabinet: A date, Tony. Give us a date. We all want a date.
Tony [managing a troubled smirk]: Yeah, I get it. Very funny.
Gordon offers one to Tony.
Gordon: Oh, I forgot. You're allergic.
Tony: I'm sorry to have to tell you this, Gordon, you're a nice guy, you've got a lot going for you, but you're fired.
