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Competition No 3925

Set by Ian Birchall, 3 April

You were asked to show one half of any of the most famous couples in literature professing total ignorance of the "financial affairs" of the other.

Well done. Welcome to newcomers Peter Thursfield, J Goodare, Charles Holdefer and Jan Woodhouse. Hon menshes to Shirley Curran's Mrs Darling ("And come to think of it, why did we have a dog as the children's nursemaid?") and Josh Ekroy's Mark Antony (". . . shock to me to discover that Egypt's wealth was partially founded upon the labour of eunuchs"). £20 to the winners; the best (Silverman) also gets the Tesco vouchers.

Gee, Dan, Mary sure had me fooled. All that time she was saving up her money, planning a family, secretly planning to take our child to Paris France where she was gonna set up our dynasty. There she was spending money on dyeing her hair red and buying fancy alabaster jars so she'd look good in the paintings, gatecrashing the Last Supper and striking secret symbolic poses, and there was me thinking, "Nice, pious, good Jewish girl . . ."

Tell me, Dan, where was she getting the money for that 2,500-mile boat trip all the way to the south of France, the accommodation, the food, the insurance, the nappies . . . Was it a little foot-washing business she had, or was she dealing in frankincense and myrrh? Silly me, and there was me thinking: "Son of God, you've got it all sussed." And all it needed was a linguistically challenged, third-rate author after a quick few million bucks to put me right. Tell me, Dan, did she go to the States after that?

David Silverman

And the representative of Colubrine Investments went unto Adam, saying, What know'st thou of thy wife's finances?

And Adam, being innocent, said, She hath no need of any such, God having given me dominion over her to tend as I tend all the flora and fauna of Eden.

And the Colubrine representative said, That is magnanimous of God and yourself, but canst thou not see thy wife may wish to make provision against the day thou'rt too sick to tend or she sicken by thy tending?

Whereupon Adam grew wrathful, saying, Her future is bound to me as all our futures are bound unto God.

And the Colubrine representative saw Adam's wrath, but continued, saying, No small portion of thy wife's future is bound, albeit unbeknownst to thee, in the performance of certain orchard futures, particularly the Apple of the Tree of Knowledge she hath promised to bring unto market.

And Adam cried, Then she hath betrayed

me and our God also!

And the Colubrine representative said, No, she hath but hearkened to the profit.

Adrian Fry

Lady Macbeth: Out of damned spite, I say, this tale is raised.

And yet who would have thought my old man

To have so much bloody money? Not I.

He did once, at our breakfast, I admit,

Ask me to return some so-called daggers,

Or butter-knives, in fact, but I paid no heed,

And did think they were only smeared with jam.

A little separation will sweeten this hand. See,

I wash my hands and look not pale.

It is a common thing for those of us,

Encumbered with responsibility,

To leave the acquisition of honour and titles

To our unworthy lords.

Naught knew I, nor naught spent,

To which my good friend Lady Macduff shall attest

Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow,

When all our yesteryears have lines

Drawn under them, and we seek sunnier times.

Don White

No 3928 Set by Valerie Yule

Rather than developing robots, why shouldn't scientists redesign the human being, bionics being so wonderfully inventive and ingenious these days?

Max 175 words by 4 May. E-mail: comp@newstatesman.co.uk

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