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Competition No 3923
Set by D A Prince, 20 March
You were asked for some happy endings.
Report by Ms de Meaner
Well done. Welcome to newbies Freny Olbrich, Don White and Dean Juniper. Hon menshes to Shirley Curran (for Sydney Carlton's leap to a hijacked tumbril, dingy saddle-cloths dropping away to reveal the glossy thoroughbreds underneath, with Miss Pross whipping them on) and Ian Birchall ("Winston glanced at the book: '2 + 2 = 5.' How quickly the child was adapting to the national curriculum"). £20 to the winners, plus extra Tesco vouchers to the afore-welcomed Mr Juniper. Truly inspired.
But at the second hour there came a messenger from Pilate, who said unto the centurion, Art thou he who is charged with the crucifixion of Jesus of Nazareth?
And the centurion answered, Yea. Then, said the messenger, Pilate commands that he be taken down directly, for there is no sin in him. So he was taken down, and the centurion, examining him, cried, He liveth.
Summoning four men, he commanded them to bring forth a litter and bear the said Jesus to the house of his friends.
And Jesus rested eleven days at the house, but on the twelfth day he rose, took meat and wine, and said unto his disciples, Let us depart for Caesarea, and thence take ship for Egypt, for it is written, Save that the Son of Man shall come out of Egypt as Moses of old, there shall be none in Israel to hearken unto him.
Dean Juniper
Then one of the gentlemen opened his frock coat, and from a sheath hanging on a belt, he took out a harmonica and blew lightly through it, adding some extra vibrato. "I'm afraid," said the gentleman, "that you have been had."
The second man produced a toy trumpet and gave it a tootle. K looked wildly from one man to the other. Where was the logic? There must be some logic. He was not capable of taking it all in, was not capable of believing his eyes.
"Yes," repeated the gentleman, "you are free to go. After all, no charge has ever been laid against you. But won't you first be so good as to join us in a musical afternoon? In your pocket, you will find some government-issue tissue paper and a fine, ivory comb. You should be able to get a good melody out of that."
K felt in his pocket. "Hot dog!" he said. So bureaucrats had a sense of humour after all, even in Prague.
Bill Greenwell
Enter Fortinbras and Horatio
Fortinbras: What means this crimson carnage at the Danish court?
Horatio: Bold Prince, these seeming deaths are but feigned in sport.
'Tis true Ophelia into the glassy stream did fall,
But held to pendent bough of weeping willow tall,
And to make a story long but simply told,
Escaped fell hand of Fate and durance cold.
Hamlet - e'en in sporting play with points of steel
An armoured vest ensures "'tis but a scratch" he feels:
He did but jest in feigning fearful Death.
Yea, the Clown Prince surely still draws breath.
Fortinbras: Let us hear more, Horatio, of this Comedy of Terrors.
Horatio: Now funeral-baked sweets for Claudius' wake
Shall tables warmly furnish forth with wedding cake,
For Hamlet now ascends the lofty throne
Where Ophelia will be his Queen betrothed.
Fortinbras: 'Tis passing strange when events do thus turn out,
And yet one mystery still causes doubt:
Of Rosenstern and Guildencrantz, are tidings good?
Horatio: 'Tis rumoured that the London boards they tread
And both act well enough to earn their bread.
Derek Morgan
No 3926 Set by George Cowley
Peter Wilby writes (NS, 13 March) of "the rise of a commentariat who express opinions that have no basis in knowledge". We want examples of this genre, the more opinionated the better.
Max 175 words by 20 April. E-mail: comp@newstatesman.co.uk
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