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Competition No 3915

Set by Ian Birchall, 23 January

You were asked to suggest a replacement editor for the Spectator whose day job was even more incompatible than being in the shadow cabinet.

Report by Ian Birchall

I paused on two entries, from Susan Therkelsen and Anne Du Croz, who sent in an orang-utan and a bottlenose dolphin respectively. "Even more incompatible"? OK, I can see that. But "day job"? The winners get £20, the best of whom (Brian Allingham) also gets the Tesco vouchers.

Last week I sorted out payments for people who had set comps over 2005. I don't have an address for two: Didier d'Argent (owed £10) and Brendan J O'Byrne (owed £20). Please get in touch!

After years of circulating one's ideas to one's friends, generally in private, one is delighted to have this platform for wider readership. One has always been something of a spectator and so this setting seems especially appropriate. Like a polo field, this editorial is a privileged club for the rough and tumble of exclusive and elitist exegesis - although without any attendant risk of broken collarbones! The pen (particularly a craftsman-made fountain pen) is mightier than the polo mallet, and far more capable of promoting the organic point of view. One does not want any monstrosities or carbuncles in one's prose, simply the healthy face of evident common sense. Is obesity a problem? - of course, it is. Is modern architecture to blame? - why not, when it can be blamed for everything else? One sees so much that is distressing that one wonders why this nation cannot find a high-minded and preferably self-sufficient way of addressing the beauties of nature in our multi-faith environments, and finding a wholeness one can only describe as "Original". The Prince of Wales

D A Prince

The proposed invasion of Iran is not an invasion that this organ can support; unless, of course, convincing evidence is produced that the government of Iran has been nefariously involved in the creation of nuclear weapons.

In this edition, you will find articles dealing with purchasing rocket from Tesco, making your own gooseberry fool and the scientific investigation of Uranus.

However, no one should attempt to misread or amend these articles in any way that might suggest that we believe the Iranians have been purchasing rockets, creating rocket fuel or investigating illegal uses of uranium. That is not our purpose.

Meanwhile, we would like to reassure our loyal readers that the recent change in editor will not seriously affect you. The coded security lock on your copy of the Spectator is purely for your own safety.

However, readership will be restricted in

future to the cabinet, senior members of the

shadow cabinet and former pupils of Eton, Harrow and Rugby. John Scarlett, MI6

Brian Allingham

It's early doors I know, but I'm going to set out my stall, no messing. When they hire Big Ron to do a job, they know he won't go mealy-mouthed on them. No matter what the politically correct fraternity might say. Like it or not, you can count on me to call a spade a spade.

Don't get me wrong. I'm no bigot, me. When I draw up the team sheet I'm not going to be benching or leaving out contributors because they have an all-year tan without the aid of a sunbed or they're a bit of a mashed potato.

Tactics-wise, I'd say we're looking at a combination of pavement splash and doing it by the ration book, but that's not written in stone and if necessary I'm quite prepared to pawn the mangle. So let's be clear about that. Take my word, it'll be worth the price increase. Ron Atkinson

G M Davis

No 3918 Set by John O'Byrne

A new book, The Meaning of Tingo and Other Extraordinary Words From Around the World, highlights the fact that English often lacks concise expressions to describe certain things. The German word for a long queue of stationary cars on the autobahn translates as a "metal avalanche"; to stick out one's lip in a sulk translates as "to play the insulted liver sausage". Create more along these lines, complete with the foreign word and translation.

As many as you like by 23 February.

E-mail: comp@newstatesman.co.uk

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