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Competition No 3914

Set by Leonora Casement, 9 January

You were asked to choose an organism that the adherents of "intelligent design" could use to prove their case.

Report by Ms de Meaner

Given Celebrity Big Brother's (to me, unlikely) popularity, I wasn't surprised by the large number of Gorgeousnesses that arrived. However, I took pity on you, dear readers, and allowed only one into the winners' box. Hon menshes to Sid Field, John O'Byrne and Susan Therkelsen. £20 to those who appear on this page, the best of whom (Shirley Curran) also gets the Tesco vouchers.

If we look at the case of George Galloway, we can see the operation of intelligent design very clearly. His cigar; his rhetoric; his sentimental attachment to himself; his moustache; his Scots accent; his well-cut suits; his litigious behaviour; his gorgeousness - these are not the products of Darwinian natural selection, but the bringing together of very disparate elements in a singular fashion. If Mr Galloway were (for instance) a "potato head", as in the creation of an artificial being by a child with a spud and some plastic attachments, neither a child nor indeed a Creator could have assembled such disparate elements into such a remarkable celebrity. The empirical evidence (as with the very similar case of Robert Kilroy-Silk) shows that no merely biological force, no random mutation, has been responsible. He has been created in a way calculated by intelligence to affect the manners and mannerisms of C4/E4 viewers.

Bill Greenwell

Political animal par excellence, the Tony has golden-brown skin adapted for frequent camera appearances and a superbly sleek coat. Its cunningly fixed smile requires just one muscle, not the usual 44. An automated stabbing finger intimidates opponents and semi-autonomous hands juggle invisible white papers. The evident product of an intelligence, it speaks two languages: everyday political spin and a second, calculated to please the simple man, with short, easy words and farcical comic-book expletives: eg, crikey! The Tony has hearing adapted to heed only questions it likes to answer. Although a native British animal, it migrates unusually frequently to exotic areas and adapts splendidly to their champagne and caviar diets. And what a mating instinct! Compensating for its own nest-building deficiencies, it selects a mate outstandingly able to collect and manipulate nest eggs. The Tony has an enhanced survival instinct, too - we haven't seen the last of it yet!

Shirley Curran

Consider the end of George Bush ("end" in the sense of "purpose"). Design - the word "intelligent" may not be appropriate here - aimed not at a synthesis of thought, speech and action: it aimed at pure action. Design proceeded using two equations and one belief. Thought = doubt = inaction. Thought deprivation = self-confidence = action. This is the belief that action is all. It achieves this by engineering economy, simplicity and multifunctionalism, eg, George Bush is his own court jester and almost, but not quite, his own worst enemy. Design has eliminated thought and engineered language as a barrier to prevent him ever finding his way through to thought. This language also acts as a decoy, leading his opponents on a resource-wasting search to find out what he thinks, a search as unlikely to prove successful as that for the philosopher's stone, the elixir of youth or weapons of mass destruction. It is believed the subject once expressed an interest in the dictum that "Form follows function" until he realised that Le Corbusier was not the brandy of Napoleon.

J Seery

No 3917 Set by Margaret Rogers

In this day and age of bookselling supermarkets, more than ever a novelist must attempt to appeal to the widest possible readership. Can we have the synopsis of a novel that would appeal to as many readers of different genres as it can, as well as catering for various age groups.

Max 175 words by 16 February. E-mail: comp@newstatesman.co.uk

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