Competition No 3908
Set by J Seery, 14 November
You were asked for explanations of all the "weird stuff" in heartsearch columns.
Report by Ms de Meaner
Here are two suggestions I received for VGSOH: "Very good sex, orgasms harmonised" (John O'Byrne) and "Regularly offend people with my sexist and racist jokes" (Nicholas Hodgson). You see how people responded to the instructions! However, as I also asked for the true meanings of items such as "genuine gent", I shall accept the second type of VGSOH as interpreting the words not the letters. £20 to O'Byrne, Silverman, Ekroy and Ransome-Davies. A fiver to the shorties, and the Tesco vouchers go to Ekroy as overall winner.
WLTM: Was Labour, Tory metamorphosis
NTW: No tantric weaklings
N/S: Nervous/scared
OHAC: Oral health action campaigner
LTR: London Transport reveller
WLTM: Worker lurching towards Marxism
No ties: Open-necked
Unconventional: Owns a futon
Fun to be with: "Hi, I'm Alan Partridge!"
Easygoing: Dead
Fun-loving guy: 59-year-old male on a Harley-Davidson
Tottenham guy w/beard: Keith Flett
John O'Byrne
GSOH: Great set of handcuffs
GSOH: German sense of humour
GSOH: Being treated for dyslexia at Great Ormond Street Hospital
No ties: Easy to buy presents for
Mr Right: Tory
Blue-eyed Mr Right: Nazi
TLC: Total Lack of Charm
Young-looking: Walking Botox factory
David Silverman
Leggy: Varicose veins
Genuine gent: I'm an arrogant bastard
20ish: Sad old git
30ish: In old folks' home, no teeth
40ish: Zimmer frames R us
50ish: Was shot at the Somme, along with some old horses, but came to life again
60ish: Find me on page 237 of The Guinness Book of Records
Solvent: Registered glue sniffer
Attractive: Someone once told me I had nice hair
Thoughtful: I have acid flashbacks five times a day before meals
Cultured: W H Smith's is a wonderful shop
Evolved man: Insufferably pompous views
The south-east: I'll go anywhere, do anything . . .
Josh Ekroy
Bubbly: Pissed most of the time
Fun-loving: Pissed all the time
Vibrant: Do drugs most of the time
Aquarian: Do drugs all the time
Petite: Giant ego
OHAC: Own mortgage and used Peugeot
LTR: Looking for something better than a mortgage and a used Peugeot
GSOH: I really like The Vicar of Dibley
Jacques Brel said what you don't know doesn't hurt you. I'm telling it different. It wasn't Bob the Builder who dug up the yellow brick road: it was me! Too much Althusser and Primal Scream, maybe, but the Owl of Minerva, which flies at dusk, has turned my head around. It's evenings at Rick's Cafe from now on (possibly in fierce pyjamas) and I won't call the cops on John Malkovich. One thing's for sure, though: I don't do hydrometry and oven gloves. How about you? I would like to shag an LRB reader
Basil Ransome-Davies
N/S: I have CCTV in the toilet
Maybe more: By the way, I have this rather unusual hobby . . .
For friendship: I'm impotent
Ian Birchall
30ish: Rather flat-chested
50ish: Fat
Shirley Curran
OHAC: Oh hell, anyone considered
D A Prince
No 3911 Set by Terry Goodhill
On 6 November, it was reported that top White House staff had been ordered to take an ethics refresher course. We want suggestions as to what such a course might consist of or entail.
Max 200 words by 15 December. E-mail: comp@newstatesman.co.uk
