Win vouchers to spend at any Tesco store

Competition No 3908

Set by J Seery, 14 November

You were asked for explanations of all the "weird stuff" in heartsearch columns.

Report by Ms de Meaner

Here are two suggestions I received for VGSOH: "Very good sex, orgasms harmonised" (John O'Byrne) and "Regularly offend people with my sexist and racist jokes" (Nicholas Hodgson). You see how people responded to the instructions! However, as I also asked for the true meanings of items such as "genuine gent", I shall accept the second type of VGSOH as interpreting the words not the letters. £20 to O'Byrne, Silverman, Ekroy and Ransome-Davies. A fiver to the shorties, and the Tesco vouchers go to Ekroy as overall winner.

WLTM: Was Labour, Tory metamorphosis

NTW: No tantric weaklings

N/S: Nervous/scared

OHAC: Oral health action campaigner

LTR: London Transport reveller

WLTM: Worker lurching towards Marxism

No ties: Open-necked

Unconventional: Owns a futon

Fun to be with: "Hi, I'm Alan Partridge!"

Easygoing: Dead

Fun-loving guy: 59-year-old male on a Harley-Davidson

Tottenham guy w/beard: Keith Flett

John O'Byrne

GSOH: Great set of handcuffs

GSOH: German sense of humour

GSOH: Being treated for dyslexia at Great Ormond Street Hospital

No ties: Easy to buy presents for

Mr Right: Tory

Blue-eyed Mr Right: Nazi

TLC: Total Lack of Charm

Young-looking: Walking Botox factory

David Silverman

Leggy: Varicose veins

Genuine gent: I'm an arrogant bastard

20ish: Sad old git

30ish: In old folks' home, no teeth

40ish: Zimmer frames R us

50ish: Was shot at the Somme, along with some old horses, but came to life again

60ish: Find me on page 237 of The Guinness Book of Records

Solvent: Registered glue sniffer

Attractive: Someone once told me I had nice hair

Thoughtful: I have acid flashbacks five times a day before meals

Cultured: W H Smith's is a wonderful shop

Evolved man: Insufferably pompous views

The south-east: I'll go anywhere, do anything . . .

Josh Ekroy

Bubbly: Pissed most of the time

Fun-loving: Pissed all the time

Vibrant: Do drugs most of the time

Aquarian: Do drugs all the time

Petite: Giant ego

OHAC: Own mortgage and used Peugeot

LTR: Looking for something better than a mortgage and a used Peugeot

GSOH: I really like The Vicar of Dibley

Jacques Brel said what you don't know doesn't hurt you. I'm telling it different. It wasn't Bob the Builder who dug up the yellow brick road: it was me! Too much Althusser and Primal Scream, maybe, but the Owl of Minerva, which flies at dusk, has turned my head around. It's evenings at Rick's Cafe from now on (possibly in fierce pyjamas) and I won't call the cops on John Malkovich. One thing's for sure, though: I don't do hydrometry and oven gloves. How about you? I would like to shag an LRB reader

Basil Ransome-Davies

N/S: I have CCTV in the toilet

Maybe more: By the way, I have this rather unusual hobby . . .

For friendship: I'm impotent

Ian Birchall

30ish: Rather flat-chested

50ish: Fat

Shirley Curran

OHAC: Oh hell, anyone considered

D A Prince

No 3911 Set by Terry Goodhill

On 6 November, it was reported that top White House staff had been ordered to take an ethics refresher course. We want suggestions as to what such a course might consist of or entail.

Max 200 words by 15 December. E-mail: comp@newstatesman.co.uk

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