Competition No 3905

Set by Keith Norman, 24 October

The Oracle of Delphi gives advice to today's public figures.

Report by Ms de Meaner

Hmm. What does it say about you or indeed "today" that the choice of "public figures" includes a dog and Darcus Howe (both winners)? As well as Kate Moss and John McCririck? Don't answer. An hon mensh to John Griffiths-Colby for his first few lines (Tony: "Whom can I trust?" Oracle: "Trust only the one who lacks vision; he will resign himself to doing your will more than once!"). The winners all get £20, including G M Davis, the overall winner, who also gets the Tesco vouchers for Our Jose.

It's a wise child who knows . . . knowledge is power . . . power is money . . . money is invisible . . . what the eye doesn't see, David . . .

There's no smoke without . . . no smoke within . . . no smoke like old smoke . . . too much smoke spoils the . . . if you can't stand the smoke stay out of the . . . it will all vanish in a puff of . . .

D A Prince

You, O daughter of Anubis and of Cerberus

You will be a leader of men.

You are destined to guard silently the dark secrets

Of the great and powerful!

Like Lassie before you

The masses adore you

As you, not led but leading,

With dogged determination

Move noiselessly, leaving your mark

Along the corridors of power,

The marble floors of City Halls and Palaces

And bedrooms of the great and good.

Is it you or they who are barking?

It is a true and faithful saying

That you can smell the time to step away.

You, Lucy, will smell it first.

Leaving behind the jaded flunkeys,

Eschewing the rabid blankets, dated junkets

And scarce evaded blunders,

You are a dog destined for power

Which, once unleashed,

Is not to be sniffed at.

David Silverman

Go forth from these holy precincts with confidence, O Darcus, who seest through a glass darkly. If thou playst not the one-note samba, Apollo shalt strengthen thee, ensuring that thou and thy writings be granted respect. Throughout Today shalt thou be tested, and verily shalt thou meet thy match. Sorely baited wilt thou be by the raging Rivers. Brought into question will be thy film-making prowess, even also thy competence as a father. Fear not. Hold thy head high. Lift up thy face, yea even higher than the face of thine adversary hath been lifted. Be of good cheer. Stand thy ground steadfastly. Fail in this task and thou mayst be forced to produce weekly a full page of text for the Staggers. Whatever. Despite thy curmudgeonliness, thou wilt still be loved by many, for surely, thou art a national treasure.

Anne Du Croz

This counsel is for The Special One, and for Him alone.

Cash is your sign, and also cashmere. Your magic overcoat renders you invulnerable. You cannot be harmed while wearing it as long as the collar is turned up. Should you doff it, you become mortal.

Shaving is not a rite to be performed every day. Sporting the misnamed "stubble" makes you irresistible, amplifying your mojo and weakening that of the French and Pictish pretenders.

The rule of the Whitebeard is over. The Palace of the Swede is shaking and will fall. The triumph of the Spaniard will not endure. But the presence of the Oligarch is steadfast and the pre-eminence of The Special One is eternal, as foretold in Holy Writ.

G M Davis

No 3908 Set by J Seery

Heartsearch ads are filled with weird stuff: WLTM, "30ish", GSOH, "leggy", TLC, OHAC, "genuine gent", NTW, VGSOH, ACA, "tactile", N/S, LTR. We'd like to know what really is behind all the abbreviations and adjectives.

As many as you like by 24 November. E-mail: comp@newstatesman.co.uk