Win vouchers to spend at any Tesco store

Competition No 3904

Set by George Cowley, 17 October

You were asked for Bible limericks.

Report by Ms de Meaner

I knew it! Allowing either four limericks that could be all devoted to the one story or given over to four different stories would cause problems. For, of course, among those who sent in four separate limericks, there was inevitably one that was stupendous and had to make it on to the page. The singletons can have a fiver each. Those who managed the full load get £20, with D A Prince getting the Tesco vouchers in addition. Hon menshes to Ron Rubin (Cain and Able), Tom Donnolly (Leviticus 1-7) and Mark Greenberg for his Noah saga, which was a bit let down by his last line: "My God! I've left the dodos behind." No, they died out later. Surely everyone knows that!

Build an ark? OK God, that's no prob.

Me, the missus, the lads _ it's our job.

We won't make a fuss

Cos Cubits'R'Us,

And besides, I get sick of this mob.

But two of each kind? Bloody 'ell!

We'll have dog fights, and cat fights, as well

As up to our necks

In all sorts of sex _

And who's got to live with the smell?

Forty days, forty nights _ bloody rain!

Will we ever see bottom again?

The elephant's grumpy,

The camel's gone humpy,

And the unicorn's gone down the drain.

Still, progress must come at a price,

I've kicked out that dove once or twice,

It's brought back a twig _

No, nothing too big.

Now you give us a rainbow. That's nice.

D A Prince

So they forwarded Him unto Pilate,

Who when faced with a problem said: "File it

Under 'No Further Action'." _

Not a helpful reaction,

Though many a Roman would smile at

Old Pontius's penchant for nonchalance,

And his postmodern "What is Truth?" nonsense;

But when it came to The Crux

He's a passer of bucks:

Would you really want that on your conscience?

So, sending Him to the High Priest,

(Who dealt with the matter, at least . . . ),

With head in the sand,

After washing of hand,

He wrote: "King of the Jews, now deceased."

Now Pilate, the High Priest and Herod

Are all three of them long dead and buried,

Though when God upped the ante,

According to Dante,

Their souls into torment were ferried.

David Silverman

No hair! What a nasty surprise.

Then the Philistines put out his eyes.

Samson waits till again

He can shake a long mane,

Pulls pillars to pieces and dies.

Robin Oakley-Hill

Though honey-lipped harlots abound,

Keep your vows to your wife, since I've found

That the faithfully wed

Get more pleasure in bed

Than the fools who are fooling around.

Tim Alborn (Proverbs V)

Young Jesus, a Nazareen chippy,

Used to go out dressed as a hippy.

Not the least of his roles

Was to fish for lost souls

But the ones that he caught came out drippy.

Adrian Fry

Now Joseph felt covered in shame

And feared it would blacken his name,

Till an angel appeared

Said: "It's not as you feared.

For God is the one who's to blame."

Tim Raikes

No 3907 Set by Brendan J O'Byrne

We want ten things you do now that bring home to you the awesome distance you've travelled in the past 20-odd years (eg, you haven't played solitaire with real cards in aeons). Entries to be in by 17 November. E-mail: comp@newstatesman.co.uk

Post your comment

Please note: you will need to login or register before you can comment on the website