Win vouchers to spend at any Tesco store

Competition No 3903

Set by Keith Norman, 10 October

Inspired by the reprinting of Jane Collier's An Essay on the Art of Ingeniously Tormenting (1753), you were asked for an essay for the 21st century on tormenting intimates and acquaintances.

Report by Ms de Meaner

After we chose this comp, we were sent a correction by the setter: the book isn't out until April 2006. So all you people who rushed out to order it will have to hang fire until next spring. £20 to the winners, the best of whom (G M Davis) gets the Tesco vouchers.

When dining out with sophisticated friends, say at top volume things such as "Let's have some Blue Nun. It goes with everything", "Osso buco? That's a kind of fish, isn't it?" and "God, I do hope they've some Black Forest gateau on the dessert menu".

Then you can cultivate backhanded compliments, as in: "Wise choice, Bob! Volvos are safe and built to last."

At work you can strike up matter-of-fact, water-cooler conversations about the relative arousal power, aesthetic quality and value-for-money rating of various pornographic websites.

Nearer to home, if you are out shopping with your spouse and you spot a rogue apostrophe, always make a point of explaining to the shop manager, or to an assistant, the difference between "it's" and "its".

G M Davis

Research has shown that one of the most potent methods starts with a close study of Melvyn Bragg. Nothing can equal the narrow-eyed acuity, the throbbing, adenoidal sincerity of the Cumbrian genius, and, once perfected, these may be tried at parties. When introducing your friend Fred, say, with all due seriousness: "This is Fred, one of the country's best-loved and most distinct voices, and whose rebarbative genius at this party is indisputably the most trenchant and excoriating to have emerged." (It will be gratifying to watch him writhing inwardly and clenching his buttocks with distaste.)

It is also a well-documented fact that at dinner parties this "death by oleaginousness" is equally mortifying. Fix your eye on your hostess and, with a discerning frown, announce: "This boeuf en daube is a very significant contribution to 21st-century cuisine." Or: "I think what you have just said about house prices in the area amounts to the most illuminating and original evaluation of the economic reality."

In all these instances, contempt for the risible subject of these encomia will be visible among the guests.

Josh Ekroy

On arrival at a friend's house, be sure to be found on the doorstep in the act of pulling on some disposable, skin-tight, vinyl gloves. Whisper (too loudly) "Just to be on the safe side", and wink incompetently. If questioned by other guests, offer some nonchalant phrase such as "It's nothing to do with our host or hostess, not to worry", and change the subject with quiet ostentation. At an appropriate moment, insert a DVD recording of a daytime TV chat show that deals in a mildly hysterical manner with sexual dysfunction or emotional trauma. At a given moment, manipulate the remote control so the television comes quietly to life. At this point, murmur excitedly: "Good heavens! I thought you'd given up all your research. How interesting that you persist with it." A visit to the lavatory will allow you to leave a variety of interesting pieces of reading material - an excellent selection would consist of a recent copy of Nuts, a Gideon's Bible with post-it notes liberally inserted in it, and a manifesto for Ukip. When visiting the homes of the house-proud, take a little fluff, and distribute it here and there.

Bill Greenwell

No 3906 Set by Ian Birchall

Tony Blair has denounced "urban intellectuals". But who are the "rural intellectuals" who apparently get off so lightly? We'd like you to suggest comparisons between the two types which go some way to explaining this.

Max 200 words by 10 November

E-mail: comp@newstatesman.co.uk

Post your comment

Please note: you will need to login or register before you can comment on the website