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Competition No 3899

Set by Valerie Yule, 12 September

You were asked for scientific definitions of time woofs, space bobbins, conservatory gases or any other made-up partners of common terms.

Report by Ms de Meaner

Hmm. The word "scientific" didn't exactly spring to mind when reading any of Michael Cregan's entries, however amusing they were (eg, "periodic chair: sun lounger used from time to time"). I did insist on a soupcon of science being in there somewhere. £20 to D A Prince and David Silverman, who also gets the Tesco vouchers as overall champion. £10 to the rest, except George Cowley, Adrian Fry and Bill Greenwell, who each get a fiver for their singletons. This week we have a treat for you. The best four (Prince, Silverman, Anne Du Croz and Gerard Benson) also get copies of Spoof: poems and parodies by Bill Greenwell (£5 from Entire Photo Here Press).

Mandelbrot runny: common error resulting in formless mess.

Evolutionary bush: a primitive, stunted, unsuccessful line.

Exceptional deviation: acts not even mentioned in DSM-IV.

Anne Du Croz

Persuasion field: an ambience which

gradually induces matter to change its state;

for instance, a slow change of temperature such as that currently melting the ice caps.

Petri spoon: often seen in some corner of a kitchen, usually unwashed or partially washed and containing traces of deteriorating organic matter.

Conservatory gas: carbon camilla-oxide*.

Gerard Benson

* greenhouse gas: carbon di-oxide

Big click: the theory that this universe was

created when a door closed somewhere else.

Sellotape theory: the idea that the earth's energy comes from the frustration of trying to separate the inseparable.

Meganibble: a very, very small unit of computer memory.

Periodic chair: where chemical elements rest while acquiring the energy to combine.

D A Prince

Binder twine theory: suggests that all farmers are related to one another.

Bill Greenwell

Gene snooker: paternity test with which the true father may be identified despite his denials or the DNA evidence.

Treble helix: spiral graph illustrating the mathematical probability of backing three successive winners.

Non-event horizon: erroneous scientific prediction, ie, the Millennium Bug.

G M Davis

Fatherboard: computer component able to perform only one function at a time.

Quantock hills theory: states that the universe consists of subatomic particles first discovered in a field just outside Weston-super-Mare. (See also Quantock mechanics, to be found at a garage in Minehead specialising in the effects of big bangs.)

Red hole: place in the sky where socialism disappeared to.

Small bang: theory that the universe was formed after a chance collision of matter on the M1 near Luton and is maintained by a recurrence each morning.

David Silverman

Litmus pen: writes red or blue depending on the acidity of the paper for which you're writing an article.

Adrian Fry

Brownian stasis: situation of those in eternal suspension waiting for promotion.

Test bus: chemical apparatus giving slower but more reliable results than a test tube.

Basil Ransome-Davies

Orderly theory: says that the movement of every subatomic particle in the universe is preordained by a supreme intelligence.

George Cowley

No 3902 Set by Gavin Ross

Lembit Opik MP is sometimes referred to as "The Anagram". But the anagram of what? Can we have anagrams of his name or those of other celebrities with unusual or un-British names?

As many as you like by 13 October. E-mail: comp@newstatesman.co.uk

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