I've got so used to stories about the Blairs' private life that I'm not surprised to learn that Cherie files her husband's toenails. It's the fact that she files them in date order that worries me. Similarly, it's not the little diamond shapes that influence Cherie which bother me but the sodding great Pentagon that influences her husband. I can take any number of healing crystals. It's the William Kristols I can't stand. Still, at least Tony should be relieved that it's his toenails she collects, and not his fingernails. How else is he supposed to cling to power?
It's often said that the Americans lack a sense of irony. I disagree: they have irony Schwarzenegger. But I wonder how many at the UN's special assembly in New York appreciated being lectured by Tony Blair on the subject of how to deal with terrorism? As that great American Loyd Grossman would say, let's review the evidence: Iraq verging on civil war; suicide bombers on the streets of London; the disastrous legacy of Guantanamo and Abu Ghraib; Muslims in Britain and around the world radicalised by the actions of the British and American governments. So far, so good. That's the way to fight terrorism. Shame on the corrupt, misguided UN for not getting it.
Having vowed to defeat the twisted logic of the extremists, Blair recently came out with an example of his own. "The terrorists," he insisted, "have decided to make Iraq and Afghanistan a battleground. We didn't decide to engage them in Iraq. They made the decision." Now why, I wonder, would they choose those countries? Why not Denmark? Argentina? Ascension Island? If the PM's self-serving delusions continue, it would be better if he were put out of his misery, or at least ours, and released to write the book that will help him pay off his mortgage. If not, we may yet find Cherie flogging those toenails on eBay.
Meanwhile, back in Iraq, all is not going to plan. How could it, since there clearly was none? "What do we do now?" was the cry from the US military after they swept past the Iraqi army in short measure. The companies that followed had no such doubts about their role. The first nine months of occupation were a virtual free-for-all for Halliburton and its subsidiaries.
Even now, the lack of proper accountability is striking. This week brings news that $1bn intended to equip and train the Iraqi security forces has been plundered. What Iraq needs is not more troops but an urgent invasion of highly trained accountants. Step forward the 82nd Airborne PricewaterhouseCoopers Corps, the Ernst & Young Light Inventory and the KPMG's Own Scottish Auditors.
The next step would be to appoint a security consultant to advise the interim government on dealing with insurgency. The name Saddam Hussein springs to mind. The old bastard would be amused to learn that the 355,000 military personnel now policing the place (Iraqi, US, multinational and private contractors) nearly match the 389,000 soldiers he had in what a US official described as a "grotesquely over-militarised society". He'd envy the interim government's $1.3bn arms budget. Saddam's was about half that.
One final tale from Planet Blair. First, he kept the England cricketers hanging around for 20 minutes (time was when they'd have been bowled out in less than that). Then, instead of joining his New York flight at Heathrow like everyone else, he had the plane flown 40 miles to Gatwick (using up 2,100 litres of fuel) to pick him up.
This will be familiar to those accompanying the PM to China earlier this month. Rather than being allowed to take the scheduled BA service, the large delegation of business honchos and hacks was ordered to catch Blair's official flight four hours earlier. One or two chief execs refused, taking the commercial jet and arriving in Beijing at the same time as the rest. Meanwhile, Blair Force One flew to Edinburgh, where it stood on the tarmac for two hours, VIPs on board, waiting for the PM to arrive by helicopter from Balmoral. The rest of Blair's entourage, including family, flew back to London on the Royal Squadron. So much for treating his VIPs well.
Perhaps it's part of his Respect Agenda.
Bremner, Bird and Fortune is on Channel 4 (Sundays, 8pm)
