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Competition No 3896

Set by Didier d'Argent, 22 August

"The bible of therapy," wrote Nick Cohen in the NS, "is the DSM [which] has 886 pages and weighs 3lb 4oz." The next edition, DSM-V, is out in 2011. "No one is expecting a haiku." Why not?

Report by Ms de Meaner

I was amazed by

Your many ideas on the

Great DSM-V.

You see how impressed I must have been when I came to read the talented entries that (most of!) you sent in. I've always said it: the only talent a judge needs is to recognise greatness when it is thrust upon her. A £5 token for the singletons; £15 for the rest except Bill Greenwell, who also gets the Tesco vouchers for that extra something. I was pleased to see a doctor entered. I know from his e-mail address he's the real thing. Unless, of course, the patients have taken over the asylum . . .

This DSM-V
Contains just the one haiku:
The whole world is mad.

John O'Byrne

Phobias for all:
This tome abounds with thousands,
Choose the one that suits.

Sid Field

Cognitive. Gestalt.
Freud. Reflexology. Jung.
Complex minds sorted.

Lisbeth Rake

Spread the load - why not?
Depression by Proxy sounds
Like a good idea.

Robin Oakley-Hill

Folie de grandeur,
Disorder and mania - and
That's just Tony Blair.

Ian Birchall

Great mental troubles
Detailed in this weighty tome:
Winter of the mind.

If this book were just
Seventeen syllables long,
It might be a hit.

Shirley Curran

Depressed? You will be
If you lie down and place this
Book on top of you.

Remove all pages
And read at random. That's what
I call Disorder.

The pains of brain-strain!
Have a look at what matters.
Heavy stuff. Mind out.

If you can digest
All the disorders here, you're
Clinically mad.

Bill Greenwell

If your disorder
Isn't listed here, I guess
You'd better go hang.

This book is meant for
Mental Health Professionals -
Hypochondriac!

You could plough straight through
DSM-V, or maybe
Get a life instead.

Amnesia to
Zoophobia: read this
And you've got them all.

Anne Du Croz

The DSM's huge:
It's an over-large manual.
Make it an annual.

Dr Tapper

No 3899 Set by Valerie Yule

We know what a time warp is, but what is a time woof? We know what a space shuttle is, but what is a space bobbin? Ditto greenhouse gas, but what is a conservatory gas? Give scientific meanings to these or other partners of common terms in which only one currently has a technical or scientific meaning.

Maximum ten definitions by 22 September. E-mail: comp@newstatesman.co.uk

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