Drink - Shane Watson knows why the British drink
Published 12 September 2005
We drink to relax, to talk, to have sex and because, sober, real life is scary
Surely never, since the invention of alcohol, has so much been written about drink and its effect on human behaviour. But I have yet to read an article that attempts to explain exactly why we British drink more than anyone bar the Finns (and it is all of us, even if not all of us end up in casualty on a Friday night). So here are the reasons, based on personal experience, why we lead the world at boozing.
We drink to relax. Other people in other countries have the same need to loosen up at the end of a long day, but our need is considerably greater. We want to feel comfortably numb as quickly as possible, because our normal resting state scares us. This is also the reason why we spend more time in the office than any other Europeans. The British fear the mundanity of their lives.
We drink to make communication easier. Obviously, this is why all teenagers drink, but most British adults are barely more confident than their 15-year-old offspring when it comes to talking to strangers. Drink loosens the speech synapses and inhibitions, and makes the dullest of exchanges seem bearable.
We drink to demonstrate our commitment to having a good time. Other nationalities might respect someone's decision to go easy on a weeknight. In this country, heavy drinking proclaims: "I am your friend. I want to have fun. I give you my liver and my job prospects. You mean that much to me."
We drink to have sex. This is different from lubricating your communication skills. This is about drinking enough to stop you from being the wary animal you naturally are. If you are a 16-year-old girl who believes that her popularity hinges on being available to boys (which is the normal state of affairs), you need a lot of Cheeky Vimtos to bypass your instinct for self-preservation. If you are a fortysomething woman, you need at least a bottle and a half of Chardonnay before you can pluck up the courage to take off your clothes in front of a stranger. And all ages in between have equivalent reasons to be blotto.
We drink to say what we mean. It's a lot easier to be honest when half cut, plus it's a lot easier to blame the drink if your honesty doesn't get the reception you had hoped.
We drink to show that we are not pussies. The British respect men and women who can put away their drink. We have a special affection for the character who shows no concern for his or her own well-being and cares only about living life to the full, in the moment. We are allergic to life's Martha Stewarts. That's just the way it is.
If you add up all of the above, you quickly realise that alcohol is the Brits' best friend because we simply find life much too real without it. And what you do about that, I don't know.
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