Win vouchers to spend at any Tesco store

Competition No 3893

Set by Valerie Yule, 1 August

We wanted ten items a museum might keep hidden away from the unworthy, as sacred totems of modern British society.

Report by Ms de Meaner

Hmm. £20 to the three winners. The best of the three (our Shirl) also gets the Tesco vouchers for her additional information, although I realise the other compers' reasons for their items being hidden from certain prying eyes were implied.

1. Reel of audiotape of Margaret Thatcher discussing Nelson Mandela.

2. Audio-cassette copy of Margaret Thatcher discussing Nelson Mandela.

3. Video cassette (Betamax) of Thatcher discussing Mandela.

4. Video cassette (VHS) of Thatcher discussing Mandela.

5. CD copy of Thatcher on Mandela.

6. Minidisc copy of Thatcher on Mandela.

7. Remastered CD of Thatcher on Mandela with bonus comments on Pinochet.

8. Vinyl reissue of Thatcher discussing Mandela, dub remix.

9. DVD of tape of Thatcher discussing Mandela, with trailer and bonus disc, The Making of the Tape.

10. An iPod with featured recording of Thatcher discussing Mandela.

Bill Greenwell

1. The Koran (Foreign Office copy, unread).

2. The Prince Harry Military Costume Collection (one outfit).

3. Terracotta Tory leadership candidates - a series of identically nondescript figures.

4. Original copy of Channel 4's public service remit (betrayed).

5. A rucksack.

6. Change obtained from a bus driver.

7. A dustbin into which rubbish could once be thrown without recourse to sifting.

8. IRA coat of arms (decommissioned).

9. The Child Support Agency.

10. New Labour pledge card.

Adrian Fry

1. An examination paper from when examinations were politically correct and "failure" existed as a concept - before "deferred success" became the norm. Not available to the rich or privileged.

2. The Elgin Marbles - available only to Greek nationals.

3. Clinton's famous cigar - to be viewed only by elderly women and those of most strict morality.

4. The last IRA gun - to be viewed only by certified freedom fighters.

5. A speed camera - from the days when individuals controlled their own cars and speed. Available only to the law-abiding.

6. Video of the last British coronation - available only to republicans.

7. A copy of the failed 2005 European Union constitution - available only to Jacques Chirac.

8. The Granita restaurant menu with the Blair/Brown agreement: under lock and key - cannot be viewed.

9. The Stone of Scone - can be viewed by authenticated Scotsmen (and women on application).

10. Skeleton and photos of the extinct frog - not available to Greenpeace activists.

Shirley Curran

No 3896 Set by Didier d'Argent

"The bible of therapy," wrote Nick Cohen in the NS, "is the DSM . . . [DSM-IV] has 886 pages and weighs 3lb 4oz."

The next edition will be out in 2011. "No one is expecting a haiku." Why not?

All haiku to be in by 1 September. E-mail: comp@newstatesman.co.uk

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