Competition No 3887

Set by Valerie Yule, 20 June

You were asked for suitable "dress" for young adherents of a new religious sect, to conflict with school uniform.

Report by Ms de Meaner

You stars! Many excellent entries. £20 to the winners, the best of whom (David S Silverman) also gets the Tesco vouchers.

All hail the great god Thor! We, his devoted

followers, object to school uniform because:

The cap won't fit over the horns on our helmets, unless you cut two holes in the cap so it looks like those sunhats for donkeys at the seaside, which could bring us into ridicule and disrepute.

The satchel is too small for our spears.

The blazers aren't made of animal skin with the fur on the inside, fastened with bone buttons.

There is no belt to stick our bloodaxes in.

And anyway, when you wear school uniform you have to be in school, rather than pillaging and looting all over Europe.

So all hail the great god Thor . . .

Michael Cregan

Followers of the Sith are required to adopt the attire of our mighty Lord Vader:

Identity-concealing black helmets must be worn at all times, with school dinners consumed via a straw through the grille.

Black cloaks of sufficient size and quality to billow when traversing corridors are essential and may not be discarded, even during swimming lessons.

The respiration of all Sith followers must be subject to the traditional fear-inducing amplification. Teachers unable to make themselves heard above the blessed rasping are advised to grow stronger by submitting to the Dark Side or acquiring megaphones.

Sith followers being unequivocally fundamentalist, members must disregard liberal attempts to tolerate light sabres through reclassification as ceremonial weapons, citing religious freedom and the self-evident benefits of physical exercise when defending our interminable, balletic and occasionally non-fatal duels.

Adrian Fry

Ealing's Aztec children.

Quetzalcoatl means literally either "plumed serpent" or "He who changed at Acton Central". Adherents of the latter interpretation contribute much to Ealing Borough's rich cultural diversity. The humble Ofsted inspector plucked from a crowded platform by a Meso-American condor and deified atop Mount Popocatepetl, in or around

21,000BC, is celebrated between September

and July, during the sacred ten months of Toxzoxzcatxzl. Aztec children play Scrabble and wear dazzling costumes made entirely of the plumage of eagles, condors and emerald-green quetzals. Since this is not entirely compatible with most school uniforms, the LEA has granted an exemption, also removing classroom walls to accommodate the 26-foot wingspans. Teachers express concern that the pure-gold talons and jaguar claws affect handwriting, though no significant differences from non-Aztec pupils have been identified. Ofsted visits prompt spectacular week-long feasts and quail sacrifices to honour the revered inspectors.

David Silverman

All members of both sexes of the Dedicated

Evangelists of Militant Opposition (Demo) are required as a matter of faith to wear the following:

A radar-proof hoodie to prevent location or identification.

A T-shirt reading: "Revolution Will Make Charity History", over a bulletproof vest in case Blair seeks advice on crowd control from his pal Berlusconi.

Over the left arm, a grappling iron and wire-cutters to enable departure as desired from school premises; in the right hand, a stun gun to deal humanely with recalcitrant teachers.

Marching boots.

Some texts say an Almighty Power will strike down anyone who prevents a pupil wearing this uniform. But if not, we will.

Ian Birchall

No 3890 Set by George Cowley

Peter Wilby wrote (NS, 27 June): "Mischief consists of . . . challenging established wisdom whenever possible."

Let's present a believable case for junking some long-established wisdom.

Max 175 words by 21 July. E-mail: comp@newstatesman.co.uk

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