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Competition No 3885

Set by Brendan J O'Byrne, 6 June

You were asked for a description of a major historical event from a parochial perspective.

Report by Ms de Meaner

Lovely. I liked the beginning of J Seery's piece on 1066: "1065 was a bad year for the donkey-ride business. But 1066! Well!" Sadly, I thought it rather went downhill after that. I was also initially impressed by Gerard Benson's Keillor-ish beginning: "It's a glorious day here at Runnymede . . ."; as I was with John O'Byrne's offering: "2 May 1997. The sudden house move of Tony Blair has thrown the residents of a quiet north London street into a tizzy." Hon menshes to you all, m'dears. The winners get £20 each, the best of whom (Ian Birchall) also gets the Tesco vouchers.

Paris, January 1793

Huge crowds in the square. I never imagined knitting could be so popular. The word on the rue says we've even got royalty here! An impressive new machine has been erected to unravel tangled skeins of wool, but I'm focusing on the bobble hat I'm making. The good news is that the fastest knitter here, Madame Defarge, hasn't turned up.

The sound of the horse-drawn carts on cobblestones hinders my concentration, then a tremendous roll on the drums almost makes me drop a stitch. "Knit one, purl two," I mutter as a sudden silence descends, followed by a roar from the spectators. Hopefully somebody's dropped their needles!

It's the best of times (I buy a petite boIte de chocolats); it's the worst of times (cold and noisy); and if we're going to gather to do something similar in 1794, the AdT (Association de Tricoteuses) must organise things better or heads will roll.

Derek Morgan

Hoodies Swarm Through Shopping Centre

The shopping centre in Assisi, Italy, was today choked with hundreds of young men, all dressed in identical brown hoods, making it impossible for them to be recognised. Apart from the fashionable hoods, they wore ragged clothing. Many were accompanied by animals, often dogs on pieces of string, and there was an unconfirmed rumour that a "tamed" wolf was on the streets. They made no secret of being on the scrounge, admitting that they intended to keep themselves by begging.

The leader of these unruly elements appears to be a certain Francis, who rather implausibly claims to have the backing of the Pope. He is launching a new movement called the Friars Minor, but most observers think this is unlikely to last more than a few months.

A local trader said: "We don't want them here. Those hoods definitely frighten off the customers. As for the vow of poverty,

that's not going to sell many cabbages. They

should slap Asbos on the lot of them."

Ian Birchall

Last night's never-to-be-repeated concert by the Wallace Hartley band aboard RMS

Titanic certainly strove to prove false the old adage that you can have too much of a good thing. Before an unusually excitable audience, the band fairly raced their repertoire to exhaustion, as though their lives depended upon the performance. No

amount of ice could cool their hot rendition

of "Alexander's Ragtime Band", the very ship seemed to lurch along to their fine selection of popular waltzes, and I think I can say without fear of contradiction that there wasn't a passenger or crewman who didn't feel buoyed up by their set. Ever ones to set a trend, the band played in life jackets - no easy task - while the audience raced not to be left out in an unseemly dash to adopt similar apparel. And still the band played on, moving the party out on deck for a touchingly sober rendition of "Nearer My God to Thee", after which there wasn't a dry anything in the house.

Adrian Fry

No 3888 Set by Josh Ekroy

"Recent research suggests that the part of the brain used in playing bridge also influences the immune system, and infections and disease are warded off after playing," claims Morley College's prospectus. We'd like articles on astonishing breakthroughs in scientific research about other trivial pursuits.

Max 175 words by 7 July. E-mail: comp@newstatesman.co.uk

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