Competition No 3882

Set by Josh Ekroy, 16 May

You were asked for dialogue showing exactly what that phrase "word-of-mouth success" might mean.

Report by Ms de Meaner

Well done. John O'Byrne even sent in two good 'uns. I toyed with the eulogy about Blair ("When we beat Major next year I intend to give him a top job, maybe defence"), but the Lynne Truss was better. I also liked G M Davis's rave about this new play called Hamlet ("Ace stuff. Better hurry if you want to catch it . . ."). £20 to the winners, the best of whom (the aforementioned John O'Byrne) also gets the Tesco vouchers.

Tim; - Bought this book about , ? ' ; : - . Youll really enjoy the great panda joke. Eats, Shoots . . . its called. J.

Hi Sally. Jessicas book Ive read - great panda joke. In between lots of stuff about comma's, dash's, hyphen's, greengrocers stuff - which we know about. Recommend for panda. R.

Pat, there's this new book Rita mentioned. Lot's of dots and apostrophe's but the panda jokes' COOL!!!! M.

Al - Mike put me on to a new title just out. About style & grammar quiet pedantic in a way. Panda joke alone worth the price. S.

Dick, Sally made me read this book for it's shooting panda. Couldnt get the point of it @ all. But theres a good puzzle. A woman, without her man, is nothing. A woman: without her, man is nothing. Geddit? L.

Brian - Laura didnt get the panda joke. Now rabitting on about commas. W.

John O'Byrne

I've found this wonderful little man, who does the most divine portraits. Well, really it was my friend Mona who put me on to him. He likes to paint his subjects against rather odd backgrounds, rocks and the like, but I assure you he does a thoroughly professional job - really excellent. Got a bit of a bee in his bonnet about inventions, his studio's stuffed full of odd bits of cannons and whatnot - and, somewhat odder, bits and pieces of what he refers to as flying machines and underwater boats. As if! But he's quite harmless. And, as I say, he gets a superb likeness. You should see his picture of Mona. It's uncanny the way he's captured her, right down to that irritating smirk.

Gerard Benson

Theres this guy from C-ATL whos the coming think. Hes been out vilating the integrity of his code, which is kool, he is very wity, and comes up with stuf like You Have Comited an Illeagle Procedure, which is waht he told a cop to his actual face. Also he told the cop to Shutdown, and noone gets it, but hes so fast with his tounge that you just know hes gonna be big on the comedy circiut, rely inventive. He has a complete new langage, its bound

to takeover. You know how everones saying

Fatal Eror, and we bust out luaghing? Thats one of his catchphrases too. Also the homework missing line File Not Found and what he told his roomate when he came in late, Acess Denied. He has all these machines, but its ovious standup is his mettier. W H Gates, watchout for the guy.

Bill Greenwell

Everybody's reading it. Even my granny, and the au pair and Sammy's English teacher. I started reading it in bed and couldn't stop - read all night. It's by Mark Haddock - something like that. Anyway, you can't miss it - it's on sale in two versions - one blue with a red, upside-down dog leaking blood, and a pitchfork through it, and the other pale-ish with a dog floating about not looking too cheerful. No, it's not about dogs; it's a murder mystery and adultery - and maths. But don't let that put you off - you don't have to understand the maths; that's what makes it funny. He's a mathematical genius with a learning problem - he doesn't see things the way you do. It's maps, charts, smiley faces and funny puzzles about opening a door and winning a goat. You'll love it!

Shirley Curran

No 3885 Set by Brendan J O'Byrne

Describe a historical event from a comically parochial perspective oblivious to the true history being made.

Max 175 words by 16 June.

E-mail: comp@newstatesman.co.uk