Competition No 3880
Set by Ian Birchall, 2 May
You were asked for 150 words of text from the book or movie Ratzinger, or the title song from the film.
Report by Ms de Meaner
On the whole the songs were best. Hon menshes to Anne Du Croz for her last few lines ("Ratzinger! . . ./His heart is cold;/Ratzinger! . . ./Thank God he's old"), to John Griffiths-Colby for his first two ("Ratzinger./He's the man with the mitre's touch") and to John O'Byrne for the only mention of the "turbocharged Ratzmobile". The winners get £20 each, the best of whom (Rosemary MacKenzie) also gets the Tesco vouchers.
Ratzinger.
He's the man, the man with the Papal Crown.
He'll put you down.
Such a Ratzinger.
Beckons you to give up a life of sin
And don't go in.
Papal Bull he will pour in your ear,
But his certainties are what you fear,
For a modern girl knows when he's dissed her,
It's the hiss of death from
Mister Ratzinger.
Flighty girl, beware of this papal scold
His truth is told.
Dogmatic words he will pour in your ear,
But his views will be just what you fear,
For a modern girl knows when he's told her,
It's the ultimate scold from
Mister Ratzinger.
City girl, beware of this Man of God.
This heart is odd.
He loves only God,
Only God . . . etc
Rosemary MacKenzie
A throne room. Ratzinger, seated. Sharks swim in a pool at his slippered feet. God abseils in and lands just in front. He stares, sweating, at the sharks.
Ratzinger: Ah, we have been expecting you, Mr God. You are just in time to participate in a most intriguing experiment.
God: You'll never get away with it, Ratzinger, you rat-enforcer!
Ratzinger (chuckling): Ah, some of the old anger, but so unlike you - always so tolerant and permissive, now, nein? (Suddenly irritated) But the joke is also old, I think! (Places hand on lever)
God (quickly): You can pull that thing if you like but those creatures will never eat their own Maker!
Ratzinger: There you are wrong. They are genetically modified in the Vatican laboratories. I think they will appreciate the special flavour of divine flesh and blood. Then I shall rule the world!
God: That's sacrilege, Ratzinger!
Ratzinger (pulling lever): Not any more.
Josh Ekroy
He's God's finger.
He's the man, the man with St Peter's touch.
The thumbs-down touch.
Joseph Ratzinger!
Urges you to exit your life of sin
Just jack it in!
Heaven's words he will pour in your ear,
And his words will confirm what you fear,
For a condom user dreads what he tells him,
Fear the fires of Hell! says
Joseph Ratzinger.
Evil man, take heed of the truth you're told!
Come back to the fold.
Do as you're told!
Jack it in.
Come back in.
Quit your life of sin.
Jack it in.
Leave your life of sin . . .
Shirley Curran
No 3883 Set by Brendan J O'Byrne
Rumour has it that there exists a campaign to rehabilitate Macbeth (born 1005) this year, the 1,000-year anniversary of his birth. But can the spin-doctors work their magic on other characters "unfairly" maligned by the Bard - Richard III, for example?
Max 150 words by 2 June (to appear in issue dated 13 June). E-mail: comp@newstatesman.co.uk
