If you don't want me to look down on you, then don't say "God, yeah", "media-savvy", "from the get-go", "iconic", "what's that all about, then?", "in the zone", "check it out", "check you later", "get back to you", "talk soon" (because that means you don't want to do anything of the sort), "dream on", "as you do", "go figure", "do the math", "like, duh?" or "like, hello?".
Don't describe films or books as "noirish", "dark and edgy" (thank you to David Hepworth in Word magazine for highlighting that one) or "cracking". Don't describe any art whatsoever as "culty", "angsty" or "out there". Do not say "it rocks", especially if hoping to gain bonus points for eclecticism by using such a "street" term in the context of, say, a National Theatre production of Shakespeare. Don't refer to a romantic comedy as a "romcom" and still less a "slacker romcom", because such jargon implies that you've seen so many films, you've managed to bore yourself to death, let alone anyone else. Don't say: "Julia Roberts is a shoo-in for the Oscar." If you are a literary critic, always speak of the sub-plot rather than the "back story"; take care to avoid use of the word riff, and don't say: "Zadie Smith writes up a storm in the opening chapter."
Do not, if you are a journalist, begin your feature articles in the present tense in a desperate attempt to inject a bit of life, as in: "Jamie Oliver concludes his tenth mobile phone call in as many minutes, and turns to me with a sigh." Do not, whether you are a journalist or otherwise, say "must-see", "must-read", "must-have". Do not begin your articles with the word "forget", as in: "Forget Gillian Welch, Laura Veirs is the new queen of alt.country . . ." (Do not, incidentally, use the musical terms "alt.country", "low-fi" or "basement".) Do not put "man" at the end of your spoken sentences unless you are black; do not greet people with the words "my man!" or do high fives unless ditto. Do not exclaim "yo!" at random moments (especially if you have been to a leading public school), and do not say "solid" or "safe" when you mean "thanks" or "all right". Do not wear your cap backwards.
Do not abbreviate "celebrity" to "celeb", and do not speak of "A-list", "B-list" and "C-list celebs"; also bear in mind that the term "Z-list celebs" is not an amusing play on the foregoing, but simply a prolongation of the torture. Don't say "kickin' back" ("chilled out" is OK) or "back up" (to mean support). Do not describe football as "footie" in order to show how affectionately disposed you are towards the game, and do not say "Chelsea are on fire" if they happen to be stringing a few passes together (although, come to think of it, "Crystal Palace are on fire" would have interesting historical resonance). Do not, if you are a Radio 5 Live commentator say, "and the build-up is really under way" because each word in this phrase means less than the word before it.
Do not say, "He shoots, he scores", and then run around the room with your arms held out like the wings of an aeroplane. Do not ask lame rhetorical questions such as "How cool is that?", or say "big time" for emphasis. Don't say "cherry-pick" instead of "pick", or "meet up" for "meet", or "my take" when you mean "my view", or "director's cut" to mean authentic. Never describe a woman as a "minger", or "feisty", which strongly suggests that you consider the person in question to be dumpy, middle-aged and aggressive, but lack the courage to say so.
Do not, whoever you are, begin questions with the word "so", as in "So how's it going?", because it implies boredom and is therefore extremely rude. And if you are a young child, resist all urgings from teachers or carers to "make a difference". But then again, an extremely good question for you to ask is: "What difference does it make?"
