Win vouchers to spend at any Tesco store

Competition No 3875

Set by John O'Byrne, 28 March

You were asked for title and text from a motivational book for a child of the famous.*

Report by Ms de Meaner

I loved the start of David Silverman's Learning to Live With Irritable Royal Syndrome: "For people with severe social skills deficit, formal interactions can be highly stressful, causing them to react in unusual and embarrassing ways, including involuntary, explosive verbal outbursts . . . This book will help you cope with IRS in your family. Here are some tips when you find yourself called upon to 'interpret' for an affected parent:

"'Looking forward to the wedding, sir?'

"Parent: 'Sod off, Witchell.'

"You: 'He says of course, how kind of you to ask!'" - Simply superb. However, there were no funny lines after that. Surely you don't need Prince Charles to write them all for you, young David! I also liked G M Davis's Trend It Like Beckham: "To be successful, you must have style and personality, so avoid anything boring, such as wearing the same hairstyle for weeks at a time." Hon menshes to you both. The winners can have £25 each, the best of whom

(Adrian Fry) also gets the Tesco vouchers.

Daddy Still Loves You When He Lies: coping with a dissembling parent

You've had a terrible nightmare. You ring Daddy on his mobile. He's busy, but claims he can be with you in 45 minutes. You wait, as the Thing Under the Bed licks its lips. Daddy doesn't show. So Daddy doesn't love you, right? Wrong. When Daddy said he'd be there, he sincerely believed it, just as the Thing Under the Bed sincerely believed its claim that it was going to eat you. But you must realise that both Daddy and the Thing were outlining aspirations, not making targeted policy commitments. Daddy, correctly calculating that the Thing was as likely to eat you up as he was to arrive within 45 minutes, made a judgement call. That you've experienced a period of instability - sleepless nights, bed-wetting - is both to be expected and your fault for not trusting.

Adrian Fry

Making the Most of Maternal Instinct

Like all female animals, human mothers will fight, if not quite to the death - or even to the endangering of their own hierarchical positions - at least to the destruction of others, in the cause of rescuing and promoting their offspring. Added to this instinctive behaviour is often a sense of guilt. They know that, in becoming famous and holding on to power or celebrity, they spent too little quality time with their children when young. Never let your affection for a famous mother deter you from taking full advantage of these feelings. Emotional blackmail is a powerful tool, whatever your age. You remain her child, hopefully her favourite one, until she dies, or forgets who you are. Continue to call on her influence - political, financial, personal. Let her make touching excuses for your behaviour (however wayward), bail you out of difficulties, and open doors to new opportunities. Use the bitch.

Alanna Blake

Feel the Child Within

When you are growing up, stop it at once. You have to practise arrested development, so that your whole life can be a preparation

for the day of judgement. There are so many

beautiful things you can do which are cool. Hang out with your friends, for instance, out of windows. Make sure that you get blanket coverage in the press: you can do this by wearing a blanket at all times. No peeping! Walk backwards, tippytoes, and let your whole life pale into insignificance. You are in a story. You are made up. Do not accept money from strangers, especially if they are called McCartney. Empty your head. Cover yourself in tender bandages, and try pricking yourself gently with sterilised needles. Ow! Ow! That's right!

Bill Greenwell

* The books are, of course, meant for Leo Blair, Mark Thatcher and Prince Michael Jackson II.

No 3878 Set by Valerie Yule

Write a book to rival The Da Vinci Code. We want conspiracy theories, murder and global significance. Oh, and the loopier the better.

Max 200 words by 28 April.

E-mail: comp@newstatesman.co.uk

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