Competition No 3873

Set by Stan Knafler, 14 March

You were asked for pillow talk from great men that casts new light on what happened next. You were allowed a long conversation or up to five shorter ones.

Report by Ms de Meaner

On the whole, this week's entries were not outstanding. I got a distinct impression that there were some extremely . . . well . . . jaded regulars out there. And so early in the year, too. Buck up, my doves. You each win £15, except Rogers and Fry with a £5 book token apiece. The overall winner is Bill Greenwell, who also wins the Tesco vouchers.

Henry VIII (to Anne Boleyn): "And you say you're going to persist in taking more than your fair share of the duvet?"

Lady Hamilton (wheedling): "England expects, Horatio, every man to do his duty."

Nelson: "I've got a headache. Now let me get some sleep. I've got a busy day at Cape Trafalgar coming up."

Derek Morgan

He: "But how will we keep it secret? For how long?"

She: "Pass the word round that I'm a game girl. That rumour will easily stick. We can't use your mother's little ruse: they won't believe it twice. Scribble it down and pass it to that one they call The Saint - "

He: "Simon Templar?"

She: "Exactly. Just offer him a cut of your memoirs, let him found an order, and keep mum. Then leak it."

He: "We need a code."

She: "Something Latin? What did you say when you passed the cup?"

He: "Erm - 'I agreed'."

She: "Hmm. I agree - I concur. A homonym. What about 'I conquered'?"

He: "Vinci? Very good. Almost pure Caesar. And then some anonymous sap writes it up - Smith, Jones, Brown, yeah?"

She: "Brown. Your turn to feed Babba."

Bill Greenwell

He: "Can't sleep. I've received instructions.

I must start tonight."

She: "But dear, it's dark and it's raining torrents. And why such a large boat?"

He: "Got to be big. We've to take the kids."

She: "In that case, we're taking the pets as well. I'll not go anywhere without them."

He: "Huh! How would you feel about Titanic for a name?"

She: "No, too showy. What would the neighbours say! How about simply Ark?"

Shirley Curran

Fleming: "I've decided: we need to buy a dishwasher."

Mrs Fleming: "OK, but let's hang on until the January sales. The dishes can wait."

Sartre: "I've decided to be an existentialist."

De Beauvoir: "No! Let me guess. You're exercising your authentic personal free choice to lie there while I make your breakfast again. Right, dear?"

David Silverman

Hitler: "So where do you want to go on holidays next year?"

Eva: "It depends on what we can afford and your work commitments."

Hitler: "I've narrowed it down to either London or one of those Black Sea resorts."

Eva: "Oh, it's got to be the Black Sea - it's so cold in London."

Hitler: "OK, Operation Barbarossa it is!"

Michael Berry

Marx: "Now you've heard it all, do you think it would be a good idea to have a short title?"

Jenny (enthusiastically): "Capital!"

Margaret Rogers

Joyce: "Aw, Norah, can you not stop checkin' me proofs and come to bed? Sure, a few typos can't hurt. The subs will pick up any missin' apostrophes."

Adrian Fry

No 3876 Set by Will Bellenger

In Chronicles: volume one, Bob Dylan finally admits that he stole his surname from Dylan Thomas, and not from the sheriff in Gunsmoke. We'd like a Bob Dylan version of a Dylan Thomas poem, or a Dylan Thomas version of a Bob Dylan song.

Entries in by 14 April. E-mail: comp@newstatesman.co.uk