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Competition No 3872

Set by Margaret Rogers, 7 March

You were asked to be poet laureate and celebrate Chuck and Cammie's nuptials.

Report by Ms de Meaner

I've never seen anything like it, and I don't mean the huge postbag this week. That I expected. I mean what was in the huge postbag. Here is a selection of your thought: "Correction of typing error in first mailing last line but one", "teeny correction", "I made an error in line 9: phase should be faze", "It's me mauthering on about one word in my comp entry", "I notice I omitted one of the l's in polloi in line 8" . . . Sigh. £20 to the winners, the best of whom

(Ian Birchall) also gets the Tesco vouchers.

The Prince's Weddin'

'E was warned agin' 'er -

Mother just said No;

Now they're gettin' married

The old girl won't go.

Says it's much too common,

Usin' the Town Hall;

Can't have royal weddin's

Free for one an' all.

Yawn at the Prince's weddin' -

Give 'em one yawn more!

Polo ponies in the lando

An' a clown is married to a bore.

The 'ole nation's watchin' -

It's on the TV;

Now Camilla's like Di,

A ce-le-bri-ty!

She'll make such a good wife,

No more on the shelf;

Squeezin' out 'is toothpaste -

Can't do it 'imself.

Yawn, etc.

'Arry's got 'is armband

Like Great-Uncle Ted;

'E may be a Nazi -

Good job 'e ain't Red!

Others seem more tactful -

Think of Charlie's dad;

Soon she'll find the 'ole gang

Are all rotten bad.

Yawn, etc.

Ian Birchall (after Rudyard Kipling)

Whatever

Whatever they say of Camilla,

Whatever the insults they hurl,

Whenever they call her Godzilla

And say she's not much of a girl,

That for make-up she needs Polyfilla,

And her charisma is like Mr Bean's,

When push comes to shove

Just say you're in love -

Whatever "in love" means.

Whatever they call your fiancee,

Whenever they say that she makes

Ann Widdecombe look like Beyonce,

That she calls to mind burning and stakes,

When the calls for her head become shriller And when one of those calls is the Queen's, Just say: "Tough, I'm in love with Camilla -

"Whatever 'in love' means."

Whatever the public's indifference

When told of your nuptial bliss;

When most of the guests' stated preference

Is, "Thanks, but I'll give it a miss.

"I would rather watch Aston Villa,

"Or go shopping in Milton Keynes,"

Just say: "Fine, that leaves me and Camilla,

"Elton John and the good Lord above."

Hold on to your nerve

And say you're in lur-ve.

Whatever.

David Silverman

may i kneel said he

i'll swoon said she

i'll just bow said he

such laughs said she

may i ask said he

for what said she

your hand said he

it's yours said she

we'll wed said he

king and queen said she

mum says no said he

oh well said she

John O'Byrne (after e e cummings)

No 3875 Set by John O'Byrne

Wanted: title and text from a motivational book for a child of the famous, eg, Prince Charles: How To Keep Waiting for What You Want.

Max 150 words by 7 April. E-mail: comp@newstatesman.co.uk

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