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Competition No 3868

Set by John O'Byrne, 7 February

You were asked for an extract from an updated children's story.

Report by Ms de Meaner

If only one had more space. Here is Keith Norman: "Street cred, that's wot we gotta have." William had the Outlaws' full attention. "Can't be proper outlaws without street cred." "But we don't live in streets," objected Ginger. "How about avenue cred?" "Or crescent cred?" suggested Douglas . . . You can definitely have an hon mensh for "avenue cred", Keith. The winners receive £20 each, the best of whom (Adrian Fry) also wins the Tesco vouchers.

Charlie stared as Oompa-Loompas busied themselves about the chocolate factory. "Illegal migrants, my boy," Mr Wonka said proudly. "Knowing nothing of minimum wage, health and safety or working-time regulations, they're the perfect workforce."

"But why do you need so many?"

Mr Wonka became evasive. "Oh, you know, accidents will happen. Besides, they've been testing my latest fabulous invention."

Mr Wonka hurried Charlie into a room full of Oompa-Loompas. All were obese, stuffing their faces with several chocolate bars at once, eyes simultaneously ravenous and wretched.

"They're tasting my Perfecto Bar, the most economically perfect chocolate bar ever created. Eat one, you'll want two more. Eat two, you'll crave another four. Eat four - well, you do the maths."

"What do they taste like?" Charlie wondered.

"Who cares?" replied Mr Wonka, hurrying him on into a call-centre full of women.

"Watch out," Mr Wonka instructed, "for the Great Glass Ceiling."

Adrian Fry

Bilbo was entering what he knew to be a very foreign land indeed, and became rather frightened. The ways of the people were strange, and even as he made his weary way through the Shires he was accosted by burly Squewgs and boisterous Grorgs who asked: "Refugee Status, I presume?" They jostled and pushed him off the road as he went along.

As he rounded a corner in the first town he came to, he bumped into a bedraggled queue of Trolls, all calling out "Exceptional leave to remain, please sir!" to a tall, burly, bristly-faced man with funny ears. They were whipped into line by venomous-looking Shargs With Special Powers.

"You'll have to be checked for TB!" they screamed when they saw Bilbo. "And have an Aids test!" shouted a group of Strorgs. "Put him under house arrest!" leered a nasty-looking Grorg.

Bilbo was so frightened he ran off down the street and was shot in the back by a Thorg Marksman.

Josh Ekroy

The Outlaws sat around in the old barn, feeling dejected. They'd finished the alcopops and the crystal meth and wanted some cannabis to mellow out with. But their dealer was selling Granny Killer and Haze 19 only, and his prices were out of their reach.

"It's not fair," William complained. "You'd think he'd have some respect for his client base. We're kids, not yuppies. Thirty quid an eighth is jolly expensive. An' who needs skunk anyway? Rocky's good enough for me."

Henry and Ginger nodded glumly. They badly needed a lift. Just then, Violet Elizabeth Bott appeared at the door. She wore a tight spangly top and a low-rise skirt, and a stud winked in her belly button.

William was about to tell her to go away when he remembered the man at Humbert Cottage who got himself talked about.

"I've got an idea," he said.

G M Davis

No 3871 Set by Gavin Ross

Smoking on stage or screen is now politically incorrect. Can we have revised scripts/stage directions from scenes in well-known plays or films involving smoking or drinking, such as Twelfth Night, The Importance of Being Earnest, or indeed any film with Humphrey Bogart in. But make sure any choice is "well known".

Max 150 words by 10 March. E-mail: comp@newstatesman.co.uk

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