Win vouchers to spend at any Tesco store

Competition No 3867

Set by John Ekroy, 31 January

Ageing comedians seem to gravitate towards presenting wildlife or travel programmes. We asked for examples other than Bill Oddie or Michael Palin.

Report by Ms de Meaner

I was surprised by the overwhelming number of Ken Dodds. But perhaps I shouldn't have been. His style is clearly suited to presenting such programmes. I could have easily filled up the page entirely with Ken. Here's R J Pickles's Gorilla Watch: "What a lovely day for going into the jungle and shouting 'Timber' and watching a large, hairy animal scratching its tummy . . ." Wonderful. Actually, this week, judging has been quite difficult as there are some comedians I find hilarious and some I loathe. So I fought my prejudices and if compers had done a good job catching the right tone, they got through to the shortlist. Hon menshes go to Mr Pickles and D A Prince (Ronnie Corbett). £20 to the winners, the best of whom (David Silverman) also wins the Tesco vouchers.

NB: Many apologies for last week. Comp 3869 should have a maximum word length of 150.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mother Nature is bloody amazing. Bloody fantastic! Take the chameleon. What a perfect illustration of biodiversity and an organism's ability to evolve to adapt to its environment! Changes its appearance to suit its needs. But if we look a little more closely we'll find that this is NO ORDINARY chameleon. THIS, ladies and gentlemen, IS A TALKING chameleon! OH YES! Let's hold the mirror up for a closer look at this gorgeous creature, shall we? Let's examine some adaptive animal behaviour at CLOSER QUARTERS. One minute it's slagging off Maggie Thatcher's self-seeking monetarist policies (Oh! A little bit of politics! Not much - just enough to ingratiate itself with a few bloody students . . .) and the next minute it's a sold-out MULTIMILLIONAIRE chameleon writing THREE derivative and commercial WEST END MUSICALS collaborating in a symbiotic relationship with THIS weird-looking creature! Thank you ladies and gentlemen my name's Ben Elton goodnight.

David Silverman

May I say how tickled I am to be standing here in Christ Church. And what a lovely day for going up to the vice-chancellor and saying: "Don't worry, I won't tell anybody." Lewis Carroll and Inspector Morse have both been here, you know. That tower is Tom Tower, named after the seven-tonne bell Great Tom. Great Tom. You like the sound of that, don't you, missus? Great Tom tolls 101 times at five past nine every evening. Oxford students are supposed to be in bed by then. If not, they return to their own rooms . . .

This part of the Thames is known as the Isis. It was here that Lewis Carroll, a lecturer in mathematics, told his stories to Alice Liddell, daughter of the dean. In the summer there will be hundreds of punters here, all hoping to strike lucky . . .

Keith Norman

Now, if I carefully perch on this chrome-and-leather observation platform, I should be able to get several pot-shots at that elderly male primate. D'ya know, Dave Allen is an anagram of An A-Level (D)? Good. Now, I'll go out on a limb and do a sketch including several species of birds: a preacher, a cardinal and a secretary. Speaking of birds with long legs, the IRA despatched Paddy to the Congo. He was supposed to meet the local guerrillas and storm the British embassy. He couldn't find Kinshasa, so he thought Kinsale would do. He broke into the zoo there and with help from the mountain apes, demanded safe passage back to Dublin, in exchange for the ostriches. Now, by just brushing my leg, you'll be able to see, yes! It's the yarn of a shaggy-haired canine. Good night, and may your dog go with you.

John Griffiths-Colby

No 3870 Set by Margaret Rogers

We all know about the Seven Deadly Sins, but what about the Seven Deadly Virtues? Pick one or two and explain their "deadliness".

Max 150 words by 3 March. E-mail: comp@newstatesman.co.uk

Post your comment

Please note: you will need to login or register before you can comment on the website