Win vouchers to spend at any Tesco store

Competition No 3866

Set by Grace Elegy, 24 January

You were asked for what you thought Prince Harry might have said if he had been forced to make the "proper" apology for which so many were calling.

Report by Ms de Meaner

Lots of excruciating moments. I think an hon mensh can go to J Seery ("I knew this Hitler chap had behaved in ways that might be unacceptable in, say, Bermondsey, but not in better working-class districts of London like Hampstead and Highgate"), but mainly for his addendum: ". . . and I'd like to thank Mr Boris Johnson for his help with this apology." Hon menshes to Guy Denning, D A Prince, Neil Rennick and John O'Byrne. £20 to the winners, the coolest of whom (John Ekroy) also wins the Tesco vouchers.

I and all of my kind are a cancerous blot on the face of the body politic. I am idle, ignorant and repulsive. It is true that you are not much better, but at least you are subject to socio-economic laws, from which I am immune. I now understand that there is no good reason for this. I also understand that my grotesque education has taught me nothing; I embody and enhance the racism and snobbery which royalists in this country lap up with a spoon. Nothing can sufficiently atone for this. But I shall now return my wealth to the taxpayer, live in a vile slum somewhere in Romford and remain mute, friendless and celibate for the rest of my life, working as a chicken-sexer. Even this may not be enough. I await the verdict of British republicans.

Josh Ekroy

I can only apologise. There is no excuse for what I did. OK, so I come from a completely dysfunctional family - a grandmother who puts on a silly voice, a mother who specialised in simpering with head tilted, and a father whose only true friend is a wisteria. But that's no excuse.

To do what I did! - it haunts me. I would do

anything to go back and stop it happening again. I found myself in a fancy-dress outfitter's and lost it. All those brilliant outfits: the grass skirts with the plastic boobs handing down to the waist, the white robes with the pointed hat, the black fuzzy wigs with the stripy trousers and the straw boater . . . So many, and I chose the damned Nazi armband . . .

Geoff Horton

I'm really, really sorry. I shouldn't have been up in the attic in the first place. And if I hadn't been, I wouldn't have found all my great-great-uncle's old togs and I wouldn't have put them on and realised how good I looked in them . . . and none of this would have happened. But fair's fair! I meant no harm, but now it's been explained to me, I'm sorry. But if you really want to talk about persecution, just try being a royal having a quiet night out at a nitespot. Papa Ratsy. I'd kill 'em. Can't do anything without being criticised. You try it. Try being royal and see what life's like. So, as I said before, I'm sorry. OK, sorry, sorry, SORRY! Now can I get on with my life?

Gerard Benson

OK, I'm like really sorry about the coursework. But other guys were getting help . . . The fancy dress? Right! Wrong gaffe. Well, you know how it is with fancy-dress parties. Big bro and I were like, "What can we wear?" So we went to this shop. I thought the gear was cool, but if I've offended any Nazis, I'm sorry . . . Jews? You've lost me there. Look, s'pose I'd gone as Fagin, would that have offended any Nazis? . . . Well, there you go. You can't win, can you? Sorry! Put my foot in it again. Runs in the family . . . Jeans? I wouldn't wear jeans to a fancy-dress party! You what? You can see why I needed help with my coursework?

Keith Norman

No 3869 Set by Gavin Ross

With The Mousetrap now in its 53rd year and two Deaths on the Nile on TV in the past weeks, we'd like Poirot's or Miss Marple's summing up of, say, Duncan's murder. Any other "crime" is allowed, if it's found in the Bard.

As many as you like by 24 February. E-mail: comp@newstatesman.co.uk

Post your comment

Please note: you will need to login or register before you can comment on the website