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Competition No 3864

Set by Bazza, 10 January

Jane Austen running a brothel? Terry Eagleton mused on this idea in the NS. We asked for excerpts from biographies that sprang equivalent surprises.

Report by Ms de Meaner

It's not enough to send in a piece that begins: "It is a little-known fact about the life of Oscar Wilde that before he began his life as a successful playwright he had a spell as an all-in wrestler." OK, so now I know. Quite a few of you employed the same technique, relying solely on the juxtaposition of a name and profession as the "joke" without seeing the need to account for the credibility "gap". £20 to the winners. Adrian Fry was the best, so he can also have the Tesco vouchers.

Dylan Thomas's Temperance "Eisteddfod",

met every third Thursday of the month in the Welfare Hall, bereft of its widow's weeds, courtesy of big, bright lights and big, light, bags of aromatically ambient hops as yet untormented by fermentation. He would, first, thirstily call the throng to "inoculation". This consisted of downing

a pint of Brain's Best by way of confronting

the enemy, a meeting of their minds through indirect, elected, contact, "to know what they were up against". Inviting the once bibulous brethren to balance their bottoms on beer barrels, butts, casks, kegs, firkins, pins, and upturned, vacant vats, he would watch for a reaction. Froth-faced and flagon-lipped, Thomas would stand before the assembly and force them to endure (for their own mortal benefit) his selfless demonstrations of the disastrous consequences of their demonic and unworthy opponent. After dredging down seventeen pints of flat, warm, thin, Welsh bitter beer, he would slump and utter from a trance for them to listen. Listen. And know what it is to die of drink and poetry.

John Griffiths-Colby

To the extent that he killed indiscriminately, without prejudice to class, age or sex, Arthur Askey was indeed "big-hearted". If his victims tended to be the landladies of drab theatrical boarding houses, this was less a matter of taste than opportunity; he was as happy tightening his grip about the necks of drunken vagrants or stage-struck debutantes. Students seeking evidence of Askey's murderous career in his comic oeuvre will find something manifestly psychotic about the glee, and his famous "Bee Song" distils this to a disturbing purity, while his whimsical choreography produced a physique strong enough to overcome victims far in excess of his own stature. Here was a man professionally compelled to displays of almost girlish silliness, who expressed his consequent masculine self-loathing in bloody vengeance against humanity. A ruthless compartmentaliser of his own life - he helped fill charity coffers as readily as coffins - Askey's extraordinary double life exemplifies the evil of banality.

Adrian Fry

A biographer's reconstruction of one of Savonarola's relaxation classes. "All wigs, beads and baubles on the bonfire? Everyone wearing coarse, ragged hose? Spare hair shirts behind the arras. No scratching. Do I see bracelets? Bring them out for me to jump on. First, your homework: mortification of the palate again. This week: sheep's eyes. To business. On the count of three, bend your left little finger back with your right hands. One, two, three . . . More! More! . . . and let go. Aaaargh. Painful? Good. Shout it out. Je-sus! Je-sus! This morning I shall purge your meridians. Sin flows along them throughout your body, but by stimulating certain areas on your feet you may be cleansed. Soooo. Find a partner and stamp on each other's toes. Bear it! Bear it! Stop. You're enjoying it. Find a space. Lie down. Imagine the imminent APOCALYPSE! Think JUDGEMENT! All together now . . . SCREAM! Breathe in . . . hold . . . and dig your fingernails into your cheeks . . . and let go. Aaargh. The secret of relaxation is repentance. Say after me: Me-a cul-pa. Me-a cul-pa . . ."

Anne Du Croz

No 3867 Set by Josh Ekroy

Comedians d'un certain age seem to gravitate to presenting wildlife/travel programmes - eg, Bill Oddie. We'd like transcripts from those yet to succumb.

Max 150 words by 10 February. E-mail: comp@newstatesman.co.uk

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