Win vouchers to spend at any Tesco store

Competition No 3858

Set by El Basilio, 15 November

You were asked for candid job ads.

Report by Ms de Meaner

Oh, the numbers that began: "Left-wing weekly requires . . ." (ha!) or alternatively "Right-wing weekly . . ." or even "Flaky, right-of-centre magazine . . ." What loves you all are. I adored J Seery's scream of rage ("Do you have difficulty finding decency, subtlety and sensitivity in even the largest dictionary?), but discovered at the end of his tirade that it was only an ad for a tabloid editor. So, no surprise there. "Ageing pedant sought" from Keith Norman induced a pang. £15 to the winners, the best of whom (D A Prince) also gets the Tesco vouchers.

Experienced glutton for punishment required for recently vacated admin post based in Ramallah. Office space limited. Must be willing to hot-desk with 30 Mossad agents on secondment as loyal bodyguards. Must have NVQ Level 3 or equivalent in Sitting Around. Mileage allowance not applicable. Limited annual leave. Negotiation skills not necessary as these will not be required; 360-degree appraisal scheme in place and supervision will be by satellite. State pension opt-out scheme applies, due to lack of state. Luncheon Vouchers for subsidised staff canteen provided at employee's own risk. Career progression prospects limited.

David Silverman

Inarticulate person with deep-rooted dislike of adult communication required for incessant Tannoy announcements at overcrowded south London commuter rail station. Unfamiliar regional accent preferred. Delivery of 80+ words per minute and/or hacking cough/adenoids will ensure rapid promotion. Ignorance of railway systems/network an advantage. Rewards include scope for maximum irritation of customers (with good view of nervous breakdown, violence, apoplexy) from a secure, protected environment. Anonymity guaranteed.

D A Prince

Applications are invited for EU posts from well-connected failures - eg, hubristic ex-party leaders and disgraced friends of those in high places. Exact responsibilities and duties will be filled in later, but candidates should have Epicurean tastes and be able to make imaginative use of their leisure time in Brussels, a city with much to offer. Salaries commensurate with proven degree of self-importance and supplemented by a generous hospitality allowance. Inability to speak any European languages will not be a disadvantage, but successful applicants must demonstrate their mastery of bureaucratic doublethink and obfuscation.

Ian Colley

Applications sought for the post of vice-chancellor of a major university (former polytechnic). The essential quality for this post is total lack of interest in any academic discipline; graduates in business studies and gymnasium management are particularly welcome. Ability to treat employees like scum also necessary; senior police or army officers very suitable. Candidates with teenage children discouraged, as they might have some sympathy for the plight of students. Interest in big cars and mergers with other institutions particularly welcome. Salary equal to 50 student loans; knighthood at the end of ten years.

Ian Birchall

Grovelling, self-centred male (women need not bother applying) required for investment banking managing director's position. No experience required. We simply seek the instincts of a parasite, a self-promoting attitude, and an ability to charge fees regardless of whether service and value are provided or not. In addition, you will be required to take credit for work you haven't done, pay yourself bonuses you don't deserve, and receive perks from clients you don't like. An ability to sit in a glass-walled office looking busy on the phone, when you are actually flirting with your mistress, is essential.

James Kerensky

No 3861 Set by Geoff Horton

"One swallow doesn't make a relationship." We want amended versions of familiar phrases.

As many as you like by 16 December. E-mail: comp@newstatesman.co.uk

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