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Competition

Published 15 November 2004

Win vouchers to spend at any Tesco store

Competition No 3855

Set by Keith Norman, 25 October

You were asked for speeches, debates or interviews in which a major political figure seems to be suffering from unfortunate electronic interference from, for example, a box up the back.

Report by Ms de Meaner

Well done. I liked J Seery's Tony Blair: "All eyes are now on Britain and the peoples of the world look to Britain for an answer. My reply is to ask them this question: 'How the hell do I know what Buddy Holly's first UK number one was?'" I also warmed to Lisbeth Rake's Michael Howard: "I leave you with these words for the future of our party: 'Mayday, mayday.'" Hon menshes, m'dears. The three winners get £20 each, with the Tesco vouchers also going to David Silverman.

In preparing for my final approach to parliament, I awoke this morning in thick fog with poor visibility, thinking I require a new heading; moving towards the landing gear down, it was clear I could roger Virgin MPs and hand control over before Boeing out. The situation has been terminal building to a long delay before I give you the bird strike if you will, but I have experienced heavy wind from port even with my gate closed. At the president's cabin crew, doors to manual workers were promised productivity bonuses so I standby, United bound to Tampa with the economy. I do not intend to Fokker Friendship over this issue or let a baggage hold me to ransom. Hard choices weather clear or unpopular mean we will experience additional noise due to the reverse thrust used on this type of policy decision. I say to each MP, under your seat you will find a life jacket and that on this vote they should use a whistle to attract attention and if they feel passionate they should tie a bow in it to the side and exit prior to inflation running out of control as it did in the 1970s.

John Griffiths-Colby (Blair)

My fellow Americans, it is my pleasure to be with you tonight thanks to my team of 11,500 lawyers plus one Veneziana, two Napolitanas to go, lose the green pepper, lose the onion 'n' sweetcorn, plus we have come to the pretty much definitively deafening conclusion that Kerry has lose the pineapple, supersize the ham and make that five Venezianas, lose the side salad that without doubt this great election of ours has been one Fiorentina with massive extra pickle 'n' spinach, so without further ado, my fellow guys, it falls to my onerous duty to confer upon myself four supersize Siciliano 'n' ole Mother Fingerlicker's mushroom 'n' sweetcorn with double freedom fries so at last this great nation of ours can breathe freely in its jumbo cheesecake once again. Let us pray together to the good Lord God who hath protected us from triple Biancaneve 'n' crocburger with no jelly beans and no fried egg. God bless my fellow Margherita and all her extra anchovies. Amen with any topping of your choice. Amen pepperoni. Amen.

Josh Ekroy (Bush)

We now know that Saddam Hussein has the capacity to launch weapons of mass destruction capable of reaching the top of North Finchley High Road . . . within 45 minutes? Yes, 45 minutes! Even 30, by avoiding the North Circular and taking a right off the Edgware Road, through Hendon and up Finchley Lane. I'm sorry, where was I? What I meant to say was that if Saddam insists on refusing to, er, go south of the river at this time of night, guv? then he gives us no option but to take robust action. We have had 12 years of obstructions and delays, 12 years to reach, er, Harrow Road from the A40 flyover at Hanger Lane and our patience is at an end. Yet even now we know that he continues to flout UN resolutions and to forge links with al-Qaeda. How do we know this? We know it from intelligence sources far too sensitive to disclose, as I'm sure you'll appreci . . . Sorry? You had that Osama Bin who in the back of your cab the other day? Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen . . .

David Silverman (Blair)

No 3858 Set by El Basilio

We would like candid job ads along these lines: "Morons required for phone drudgery" or "Bullshitting egomaniac sought for national arts admin post", etc.

Max 100 words by 25 November. E-mail: comp@newstatesman.co.uk

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