Win vouchers to spend at any Tesco store

Competition No 3853

Set by John Crick, 11 October

Blurbs on the latest in self-help books.

Report by Ms de Meaner

No room. £20 to the winners - Josh Ekroy also gets the Tesco vouchers.

How to Apologise by May R Culper

Suddenly, in public and in private life, at social gatherings and in the workplace, a skill is being demanded for which few of us are fully prepared: the art of the apology. This indispensable volume will teach you how to apologise to individuals, to towns and cities, to nations and civilisations, to generations yet unborn, to the whole of humanity: on behalf of yourself, your friends, your family, the organisation/ church/government you represent or your country. There is no limit to the potential range of the apology, once you have mastered the basic techniques. This book will show you how to apologise and retain the moral high ground, how to get your apology in before it's demanded, and how to do so without quite uttering the S-word. By the time you lay it down you will be able, if necessary, to apologise on behalf of the Almighty for His entire creation.

Keith Norman

Finding WMDs Within Yourself

Forget spontaneous human combustion - the revelation of this psychogenic fugue state could be devastating to you and those around you. Your finger is on the button.

This book contains comprehensive yet simple methodologies geared to change you and your family's regime. It is not necessary to believe your own endocrine system has the capability to create WMDs, just have a willingness to accept that it could. From this, all else follows: drawing extensively from the author's previous bestsellers, The 45-Minute Manager and Just the Tikrit!, the dossier is now complete. This seminal work examines chemical components of human nature and expresses existential viewpoints for readers wishing to experiment further with logical extrapolations of the premise that, as carbon-based life forms, with an accumulated wealth of health-threatening toxic elements sufficient to populate a GCSE-passing periodic table, we similarly own the potentiality for explosive change.

John Griffiths-Colby

Feel the Nut and Eat It Anyway

Many of us are frightened of nuts. Some of us are allergic to them. And yet it is by overcoming this very fear and this allergic reaction that we can become strong, effective, individuated persons. By eating nuts with love, we nourish our kernel and discover a new inner nut which many never attain because of low self-esteem or the sheer pressure of modern life.

This book shows you, in easy-to-follow steps and by means of simple exercises, how to approach a whole range of nut experiences, many of which you never knew existed. Learn how to release that constricted breathing by having fun with peanuts, and in doing so, discover your essential "monkeyhood". Nurture yourself with a macadamia massage. And you'll be surprised at the life-transforming possibilities that open up when you learn the empathetic use of the hazel switch.

Josh Ekroy

The ultimate in self-help books! Weary of people telling you to get a life? The Virtual.com User Manual gives you life at a mouse-click. Put on your virtual reality helmet, follow simple instructions, and begin. Beat Tiger Woods, travel the world in your armchair and choose your woman to suit your mood, with divorce only a click away. The optional accompanying full body-suit allows virtual jogging or mountaineering; pain levels adjust electronically. Create Kew in the backyard, have virtual sex anywhere, any time, with no risk of side effects, or host your virtual dinner party - all the sensations but none of the expense or calories. The TV adaptor allows you to insert yourself into your favourite soaps or even to be the PM, fielding real questions (or ignoring them) at Question Time. This 98-page wonder manual will make your dreams come true.

Shirley Curran

No 3856 Set by Margaret Rogers

We want amended slogans and publicity bumf for well-known products. ("Because you're not worth it" could be the start of something, perhaps?)

Max 175 words by 11 November. E-mail: comp@newstatesman.co.uk

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