Win vouchers to spend at any Tesco store

Competition No 3850

Set by Brendan J O'Byrne, 20 September

In its seventh annual "Mindset List", Beloit College in Wisconsin reminds its professors that, as far as freshers are concerned, Desi Arnaz, Orson Welles, Cary Grant and Ayatollah Khomeini have always been dead, computers have always had viruses and Cher hasn't aged a day. We asked for a new Mindset List: as far as the freshers of 2022 are concerned . . .

Report by Ms de Meaner

Simply stunning. This is just the sort of competition that gets all you bitter and twisted types who care about apostrophes going. I liked Derek Morgan's "If they fail their A-level, they'd better get on to The Guinness Book of Records", Keith Norman's "Information comes via Google; books contain matches", Anne Du Croz's "Jack Vettriano is the most famous living British painter", G M Davis's "Arnold Schwarzenegger is a politician" and Glyn Haggett's "'Minging' has always been acceptable usage". Hon menshes to all five. The only one that really puzzled me was Bill Greenwell's "Britney Spears has always been a man". Hmm . . . £20 to the winners, the best of whom (Leo Barasi) also gets the Tesco vouchers.

. Apostrophe's have alway's been used to denote plural's.

. Domino's Pizzas has always forgotten the potato wedges.

. East Anglia, Lincolnshire and Cambridgeshire have always been underwater.

. A British player has never won Wimbledon.

. Traffic on the A406 has always been solid in both directions between Harrow Road and the Hanger Lane Gyratory and there has always been an accident on the M1 near Luton.

. There has never been a decade in which Cliff Richard has not been in the charts.

. Teflon Tony will never rule out the possibility of another term.

. Cher still hasn't aged a day.

. The end of the world is still nigh (except that this time it's -

David Silverman

. Have always thought of McDonald's as the place you get boring health food like fruit and salads.

. Have never heard of or been to a conservative party.

. Have never bought music from a shop.

. Have never smelt of cigarettes on leaving a pub.

. Have never used the word "quid".

. Have always known Charlotte Church in her sex, drugs and rock'n'roll phase.

. May once have seen a phone box in an old film.

. Have never heard a modem connecting to the internet.

. Have never heard of Victoria Beckham, Noel Edmonds or Jeffrey Archer.

. Wonder why everyone is getting so excited about some Mark Thatcher bloke's imminent release from prison in South Africa.

Leo Barasi

. Sentences need not contain a verb.

. They all end on a rising note.

. There has never been a Conservative government.

. Hurricanes are not headline news.

. Sir Tim Henman was a great competitor, the last British man to reach so many semi-finals.

. Concorde is a museum exhibit.

. Millennium Dome is the name of a housing estate.

. McDonald's packs have always contained the health warning: "The contents of this can kill."

. The heir to the throne is Prince Charles.

Lisbeth Rake

No 3853 Set by John Crick

Self-help books have come a long way since Samuel Smiles's original in the 19th century, with bestsellers aplenty on how to improve our minds, bodies and spirits. Imagine that you have an unpublished one with an unusual twist or approach, and write the blurb or publisher's flyer for it.

Max 175 words by 21 October (to appear in issue dated 1 November). E-mail: comp@newstatesman.co.uk

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