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Competition No 3849

Set by John O'Byrne, 13 September

The resignation speech as art form.

Report by Ms de Meaner

An hon mensh to Bill Greenwell. The four here win £20 each. The best, Petrina Stevens, also gets the Tesco vouchers.

In this government over the years, I have advanced increasingly absurd ideas; none succeeded in bringing my fellow ministers to their senses. Last week, I laid before cabinet a plan for preventive justice, allowing new-born babies to be locked up for life should their DNA indicate a higher than 50 per cent chance of committing a major criminal offence. The PM's rapturous response was more than I could endure. My loyalties have shifted: I cannot in good faith remain. I wish to spend more time with my dog Sadie (or Sadist), trained to anticipate my wishes and obey my every command. I have made good friends during my ministerial career; some are law-abiding citizens, while others have graduated from school "sin-bins" through Wormwood

Scrubs, learning that their talents, too, are in

demand. I plan to help their skills to flower. I shall miss regular meetings with my colleagues, but you need not fear you have seen the last of me. Tony, I and my friends look forward to calling on you shortly.

Lydia Shaxberd (Blunkett)

When Alan Milburn left to spend more time with his family, I for one applauded his decision. Clearly his family has not shared this enthusiasm and I respect them for this. Though it was a charitable gesture to welcome back the prodigal son, I would venture that there might be others, perhaps more resolute, more prudent and better suited to lead a party's challenge in an election that, for various reasons, has not been made easy for us. I am sure you will permit me the opportunity to demonstrate this, now that I am leaving the cabinet. The

party I will establish will offer an alternative

to voters and unions alike, who may be somewhat confused by recent decisions. The decision to stand shoulder to shoulder with President Bush was indeed a brave one and I hope those who made it will not shrink from pursuing this course. For myself, to distinguish my party from "new Labour", I will simply call it "Labour".

David Silverman (Brown)

It is with great regret and sorrow that I find myself in a position which is untenable. Monetary issues are obviously pertinent to my decision, together with my desire to have more control. The past months have been difficult, but there has been some support for my constant presence in the house, although I know at times some have found me to be an irritant. However, it is fair to say that I have not had all the recognition I desire and this must be sought elsewhere. Decisions made in the house have not always met with my approval and I feel unable to agree with some of these issues. I wish now to consider my future, as I feel my potential

has not been recognised. So, I have to resign

my position. I'm sorry, darling, but I must spend more time with my government.

Petrina Stevens (Milburn)

After much heart-searching and prudent calculation, I am rendering my resignation

as Chancellor. Please take as read the official

words of gratitude and regret. Having funded your war - a singular you seem about to turn to plural - and other activities not immediately of my choosing, I am resolved to devote my talents elsewhere, and shall be following many of my former colleagues into a closer, more fruitful, relationship with the media. The advance for my memoirs has already allowed me to purchase much of Scotland and adjacent islands, from where I shall contemplate a talented parliament - in Edinburgh.

The next Budget? Yes, I have prepared that: I could not leave you at the mercy of the critical and sharp-eyed world of BBC journalists. I look forward to adding my

weighty skills to the Today programme and

its renowned techniques of interrogation.

Finally, you are aware that your pensions

have been in my hands. I have prepared the fitting future you deserve.

D A Prince (Brown)

No 3852 Set by Margaret Rogers

To the tune of "A-hunting we will go" or "D'ye ken John Peel" or whatever, we'd like to hear what the fox thinks.

In by 14 October. E-mail: comp@newstatesman.co.uk

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