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Competition No 3848

Set by Margaret Rogers, 6 September

You were asked to explain a complicated process in words of one syllable.

Report by Ms de Meaner

First off, I thought it was going to be hard to judge this week, wading through the vast number of entries. Then came the first few who weren't up to the task. I ask you: "unit" from John O'Byrne! Then there were the cheats - "blow out" from John Griffiths-Colby (no hyphen) and "off side" in David Silverman's second entry (he even had the cheek to refer to this in the text: "By the way, off side is two words . . ."). Actually, David, it's two words in cricket, but only one in football. Next, there were those who didn't stick to a "complicated process". I hardly think boiling an egg falls into that category (Margaret Ogden). Neither does changing a nappy (Barry Norris), smoking a fag (P Stevens) or robbing a bank (Paul Brummell - "First, put on your mask and wig . . ."). The final group of failures fell at the "explaining" bit. I'm afraid I was very cross at the end of Lisbeth Rake's Red Shift, as I still didn't understand it, although I could see she

was serious in her desire that I should. £20

to the winners, the best of whom (David Silverman) also gets the Tesco vouchers.

Change your name to Jean Paul. Not John Paul, or they'll think you're the Pope, and you can bet he's not one. No, Jean Paul. It's French. Join the Jean and the Paul with a dash and you'll be well French. Start to hang out on the Rive Gauche. Don't say the "e" at the end of "rive" or "gauche", or they'll think you're from the south. To show how smart you are, talk about "bad faith" and say things are "pour soi" or "en soi". If they ask what that means, just say it means what they want it to mean. Say that if you said what it meant, that would be "bad faith". Tell them to live "pour soi" - if they want to, that is. Say there is no God. If they ask how you know, don't tell them. Say man is free and you are free to say there's no God. Talk about ends and means. Say: "Be what you want to be, do what you want to do." Say: "If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with." If they say you've nicked that from an old Steve Stills song, just say: "So?"

David Silverman (Existentialism)

Each state gets two votes, plus one vote for each vote it has in the House. Groups pick who they want in the top job. We all vote not for the top job, but for the slate of folks who vote for the one each group picks for the top job (and job two as well). Each one on the slate must vote for at least one not from his or her home state, so the top jobs do not have folks from the same states. A month past the month when we vote, the slates vote for the two jobs. The votes are sealed and sent to the big town, where they are read and we find out for real who the top two will be for the next four years. If there is a tie, the House picks one to be in the top job (each state gets one vote, though). The same goes for job two, but not the same House makes that choice. Then, at noon in a few days - still in the first month - the folks to be in the two top jobs are sworn in for a term of four years.

Bruce W Alter (Presidential elections)

First, go to the shop and buy from the press shelf. The name of what you need starts with "New"; it is for posh folk on the left. Near the back is a page with a game. The judge is a dame whose name is a pun for small crime. Each week, she sets a tough task. (She calls it a c***, but that's not a real word, so it does not count.) You write a tale, or a song, or do a trick with words. You have to be deft. You must not be too rude if you speak of Blair or Brown. Mike the Blue is at all times good for a joke. You must make the old girl laugh. She does

not laugh much, as she has to read such a lot.

Do not hope to win each week. If you win, she will send you twice ten pounds, which brings a bit of joy to a poor man like you.

Ian Birchall (Entering the comp)

No 3851 Set by Gavin Ross

The Industrial Christian Fellowship says "surveys reveal that accountants, those in manufacturing, banking and commerce, stockbrokers and fund managers . . . are seldom mentioned in church prayers". Nor in hymns. Can we have modern versions of "For Those in Peril on the Sea" or similar.

In by 7 October. E-mail: comp@newstatesman.co.uk

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