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Competition No 3846

Set by Geoff Horton, 23 August

We wanted complaints from professionals about their representation in soaps.

Report by Ms de Meaner

Hon menshes to Michael Berry, Shirley Curran, D A Prince and Adrian Fry. £20 to the winners, the best of whom (David Silverman) also gets the Tesco vouchers.

I really must object to the portrayal of the general practitioner in EastEnders at the moment. Here am I, an urban GP, trying to keep up with patients' demands and hospital referrals and there's this chap on the telly apparently able to see his clients any time they wish, and more than that, get them quick appointments with consultants and even quicker dates for operations. Even worse, this fellow keeps smiling. What do you think that does for me as I battle my way through a list of complaints? Once, my patients were content with whatever service I could give. Now they are demanding immediate appointments, and harangue me with tales of Doctor What's-His-Name and the wonderful way he's dealt with Dot Cotton, asking why I can't do the same. Replying that Doctor What's-His-Face is fictional doesn't help, as they seem to think that soaps are based on reality. They even point out that the previous doctor in Walford talked to his patients in the street, or pub, or wherever he was spending his so-called leisure time, and expect me to acknowledge them in the same way, when I can't even remember half their faces, let alone their names.

Katie Mallett

As a professional manicurist with secondary qualifications in hairdressing, and an elected member of PAM, our professional association, I have to protest against the recent portrayal of my profession in EastEnders. Manicure is not a career that can be adopted by any pretty ex-policewoman with an eye for a bit of rough and money for a salon. It is now a largely graduate-entry profession: students take courses in biology of nails and hair; chemistry of nail varnish and hair products; sociology of interpersonal manicurist/ client relationships; and ergonomic design of attractive salons. Undergraduate dissertations address such topics as 14th-century nail-care for squires and their knights or the relationship of big hair and long nails to Thatcherite economics. There is no place for amateurs in our profession. As for Chrissie's wilful destruction of Kate's cherished hairstyle and the consequent damage to her self-esteem - let me assure you that the oaths of initiation taken by newcomers are so serious that any member acting in such a way (whatever the provocation) would be instantly struck off and banned from all future use of nail scissors. (From: Bill Sharpe, BA, manicure with pedicure, Class I Hons)

Lydia Shaxberd

The portrayal in Neighbours of Australians as shallow, uncultured, coffee-addicted, apolitical morons could not be further from the truth. The residents of Ramsay Street have been clandestinely involved in supporting Australian foreign policy for nearly two decades. Seventy per cent of Australian coffee is imported from Java and Indonesia. And Australians are not habitual coffee drinkers, except after a hangover. The Coffee Shop has therefore been an indispensable marketing strategy (viz: the barely subliminal "With a little understanding, you can find the perfect blend . . ."). Shortly after the notorious Timor Gap Treaty of 1991, Brenda poisoned Bouncer with a suspect quiche. The Coffee Shop was threatened with closure. Fearing that coffee consumption would fall, the government stepped in and Bouncer miraculously recovered, tail wagging happily. Nor is it any coincidence that General Suharto's Australian-backed invasion of East Timor and the resettlement of tens of thousands of Javanese in the 1980s was followed by the sudden departure of Charlene and Scott. More recently, Australia has received billions of dollars in Indonesian oil contracts since the cynical elimination of Madge Bishop. (From: John Pilger)

David Silverman

No 3849 Set by John O'Byrne

The resignation speech is a neglected art form. Write one for a current member of the cabinet, full of coded meanings. disguised hurt and underlying threat.

Max 200 words by 23 September. E-mail: comp@newstatesman.co.uk

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