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Competition No 3845

Set by John Crick, 16 August

We asked you for a list of six things you'd like to see banned in public and six things that you would like to see.

Report by Ms de Meaner

Not many managed to sustain things for the full dozen. However, there were one or two gems that get hon menshes. The banned sections were, on the whole, less imaginative, as you might imagine (!). We liked Ian Birchall's desire to ban SUVs, stretch limos, Jaguars, Porsches, BMWs and "any car not listed above", and Anne Du Croz's "cucumbers in polythene condoms" struck a chord. In the "would like to see", we thrilled to "Daleks at sea" (Bruce Alter), "art deco wheelie bins" (Bill Greenwell), "morning delivery of post" (John O'Byrne) and, best of all, "cats - let's get them out in the open so we can see what they're up to" (Frances Perkins). Yup. £20 each to Cregan and Cowley; £10 each to Nye and Haggett; the overall winner, George Cowley, also gets the Tesco vouchers.

Like to see banned:

1. Cancer. 2. Old age. 3. Superiority.

4. Nuclear, biological and chemical weapons. 5. The Tory party.

6. Robert Kilroy-Silk.

Like to see:

1. Teenage girls walking naked and unmolested down the street.

2. Punch resuscitated.

3. Fundamentalists of all religions put away in secure accommodation.

4. George Robey performing live.

5. The return of variety shows on TV.

6. Prince Philip making love to the Queen.

George Cowley

Like to see banned:

1. Driving about with the car stereo at full blast. Mandatory penalty to be amputation of the offender's ears.

2. Television programmes with the word "house" or "garden" in the title.

3. Alcohol consumption by anyone under the age of 50.

4. On humanitarian grounds, the lecturing of any smoker on just how much better you feel now you've finally given up.

5. England competing in any more international football tournaments - to spare the population further embarrassment and distress.

6. Use of the word "mate" to anyone without their express permission.

Like to see:

1. A pavement without a cyclist on it.

2. Baseball caps with the peak at the front.

3. Kids playing marbles again.

4. And hopscotch. 5. And skipping.

6. And tag . . .

Michael Cregan

Like to see banned:

1. SUVs in public car parks.

2. Political parties using national flags on their logos.

3. The use of the phrase "Hello, hello, yes I'm on the train".

4. Signs warning you about new road features five years after they've been built.

5. Ownership of more than two Jaguars.

6. Lorries travelling at 50mph on a motorway pulling out to overtake other lorries, usually going at 48mph.

Like to see:

1. On-the-spot spelling tests for graffiti artists caught in the act.

2. Dedicated bus services to the local reference library for those people who stand in newsagents "browsing" magazines they have no intention of buying.

3. A sturdy basket and tinkly bell to be obligatory for any Lycra-clad mountain bikers intending to ride on the footpath.

4. Dedicated car lanes for those motorists able to indicate efficiently and prepared to respect zebra crossings.

5. Those wishing to use a mobile phone in inappropriate public places (eg, cinemas, libraries) to be required to wear a special headset, complete with flashing antlers.

6. Specially cast medals to be awarded to those able to demonstrate a genuine belief in the Olympic ideal in the face of all evidence to the contrary.

John Nye (ban) and Glyn Haggett (see)

Competition No 3848

Set by Margaret Rogers

People often say they would like things explained to them "in words of one syllable". Let's try to do this for someone who doesn't understand some particularly complicated process.

Max 200 words by 16 September. E-mail: comp@newstatesman.co.uk

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