Ban these foodie phrases, I say: fusion, pan-fried, Pacific Rim

My friend Adam, adopting the pose of a latter-day Jeremiah, has been compiling a compendium of "phrases that should be banned". Top of his hate-list is a string of Americanisms and corporate mantras: "level playing field", "24/7", "across the board". My favourite (and an expression that I have never heard uttered without intentional irony) is: "There's no 'I' in team." Hearing Adam recite his list, it struck me that the culture of marketing has had a corrosive effect, not just on everyday language, but on the way we talk about food. Supermarkets bombard us with blatantly phoney phrases, and we allow ourselves to be taken in. But why limit the prohibition to language? Why not extend it to concepts, companies and people as well? So, in the interests of countering the rising tide of phoniness affecting our food culture, here is my own (admittedly rather unwieldy) supplement to Adam's list, entitled "Food-related words, concepts, companies and people that should be banned":

The whole panoply of faux-Italian jargon associated with coffee chains, especially the word "barrista" (courtesy of Caffe Nero), and Starbucks's tripartite description of cup sizes as "tall", "grande" and "venti". While at it, I would seriously consider outlawing Starbucks altogether, for purveying sub-standard coffee at vastly inflated prices, and for the sickly smell that wafts through the company's "outlets".

Words or phrases which make a special virtue out of something that should be taken for granted. Offenders include "flavour-top" and "vine-ripened" tomatoes (the latter is particularly disingenuous, as the retention of the vine portion of the plant has no bearing on a tomato's flavour); "traditional" and "old-fashioned" (as in "traditionally cured ham" and "old-fashioned lemonade"); the phrase "no water added" on bacon; and the word "real" in any context.

Terms used to make standard techniques sound complex and sophisticated. Offenders include "drizzled", "distressed", "sun-dried", "sun-blushed", "oak-smoked", "pan-fried", "wood-roasted" and "chargrilled".

The phrases "fusion", "modern British", "modern European" and "Pacific Rim".

Ingratiating spiel on labels, designed to create an artificial bond between manufacturer and consumer. Easily the worst offender here is Pret a Manger, which never misses an opportunity to tell you how "passionate" it is. I would also ban Pret's latest innovation, the "no-bread sandwich", which is surely just an Atkins-friendly term for a salad.

Finally, I'd prevent Gordon Ramsay inflicting any more of his foul tirades on us by confining him to camera-less kitchens.

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