Competition No 3840
Set by John Crick, 12 July
We asked for some new labels for going through life, along the lines of Angry Young Men, Nimbys, thirtysomethings, anoraks, bimbos, Grumpy Old Men, etc.
Report by Ms de Meaner
Some of these are truly serious contenders to enter the language. As a result, I filed in the bin all those that, funny or not, would never make it. Such as "Eyesores" for eternal youths endlessly seeking orgiastic rural escapes, from M E Ault; "pinchers" for parents with their own substitute for smacking, from Michael Birt; and "Widde" for an ageing bottle-blonde, from Frank Dunnill. I was surprised by the lack of overlap: only two people sent in "cyclopath" (El Basilio's definition was funnier). Oh, and "Saga lout" has already made it into the big time (just click on Google if you don't believe me). £15 to Anne Du Croz and David Silverman, £10 to the rest, except for the singletons, who each get £5 book tokens. The overall winner, who also receives the Tesco vouchers, is David Silverman.
Shampoo socialists: new Labour MPs with image consultants and nice hairdos.
Globehotters: people who have big cars and burn lots of fossil fuels.
David Silverman
Poochers: people reliant on dogs for all their affection.
Williewallahs: people who want Prince William to inherit the throne directly after Queen Elizabeth, bypassing Charles.
Gymbags: stringy old women who frequent fitness suites.
Chipaholics: fast-food addicts.
Anne Du Croz
Cyclopaths: cyclists who ride on the pavement.
Meatniks: obsessive Atkins dieters.
Basil Ransome-Davies
Tonyboppers: under-age Blairites.
Crimblies: pensioners who turn to crime to supplement their income.
Prambusters: babies fed on junk food.
Bill Greenwell
Shirtysomethings: too old to be Angry Young Men, too young to be Grumpy Old Men, but still furious.
Teetimers: that swathe of euphemistically "early retired" men between 55 and 65 sentenced to spend their days golfing.
Banoraks: single-issue pressure group members.
Squeamagers: teens who baulk at any meat bearing traces of its animal origins.
Adrian Fry
Phone Rangers: people who insist on carrying and using their mobiles everywhere.
Michael Cregan
Swats: people who are seriously worried about Tony's strategy.
John O'Byrne
Scammers: school catchment area manipulators.
Gerard Benson
Barbourellas: female Countryside Alliance supporters.
G M Davis
Barbours: upwardly mobile anoraks.
Watson Weeks
Poddiks: usually male, those who must be the first to have the latest technology info.
Lisbeth Rake
Competition No 3843
Set by Margaret Rogers
Marcel Berlins in the Guardian wrote that "being intelligent, sharp, bright or clever are not the criteria for qualification as an intellectual".
So what are the criteria? We'd like a short essay in explanation, to aid those who are now totally mystified, on how you can spot a member of this breed.
Max 200 words by 12 August
(to appear in issue dated 23 August).
E-mail: comp@newstatesman.co.uk
