Competition No 3839
Set by Ben Whitaker, 5 July
You were asked for verses on "The Seven Ages of Contemporary Woman".
Report by Ms de Meaner
Wow! A very wide-ranging set of ideas about contemporary woman. Dr Spock was mentioned a few times, as was that frightening future that stalked the rebellious teenager in the minds of some: ending up a single mum on a council estate. £20 to the winners, plus an extra helping of Tesco vouchers to the best of the bunch, John Griffiths-Colby.
At first and too short the cry-baby, never let you lie baby, Eve-eyed and innocent as can be expected, until the second day.
Then the nubile, mobile, mobile-phone user with hyperactive text life, bleeping the ether with fast-thumbed truncated cat's clauses.
Then the student, traveller and job-seeker, like a barn door storming the Sebastians and donning the dons, a geezer-bird, full of strange oaths and new pay cheques, ready to dishonour, sudden and quick in the barrel, seeking the bubble who works at the kebab shop.
And then the glass-ceiling painter, earnest and hardworking, children and nest-making forsaking, the pleasing politician, resplendent in corporate compliance.
Then the hostage to biological clock, in fair round belly with good apron lined, with thighs cellulited and afeared of what lies ahead, doing everything she expects everyone expects.
The sixth age shifts from mother to grandmother-in-waiting; she dreams of a break from the kids and some quality time but gets caught in the net and fret of the frantic antics of her own young parents-to-be, divorces allowing.
Then last scene of all, full of bed sores and recollections of where she fetched up directly after the war, and the necessity of paying with exact change, sans care, sans a care, sans famille, sans dignity.
John Griffiths-Colby
First, in the doorway, bounces Baby Fit,
Harnessed first-ager, champion Tumble Tot,
Her Pampers model fees securely banked;
And then, crop-topped, she's rioting in school -
Ed psychs are stumped as she lights up, drops out,
Shoplifts in Woollies with her girlie gang.
ASBOed, she runs away to third-age scams
Like glamour modelling for red-top rags,
Boob-flashing in Big Brother's TV house.
A famous footballer then blacks her eye,
And she becomes his partner, has his kids,
Two marriages and one fourth-age divorce.
Mature, a fifth-age student, she decides
To be a complementary therapist.
She makes a bomb, finds sixth-age Botox years
A joy, with toyboys, tantric sex and booze,
And scandalously whiles away her time,
Till, seventh-aged, and overdosed on bran,
She sweats and puffs and, Lycra-clad,
Drops dead upon an exercise machine.
Anne Du Croz
The world that once they called a stage is
Now become a one-girl show,
With all the famous Seven Ages
Now achieved all in one go:
The lover, mother, cook and baker,
Head of Conflict Resolution,
Executive decision-maker,
Foot soldier of the revolution.
Till, through parthenogenesis
And all-inclusive multitasking
The final Age of Woman is
Man's teeth, Man's eyes, Man's taste, Man's everything.
David Silverman
Pampers, pull-ups, PMS,
Playtex pads, the Pill,
Provera as your HRT,
Then Pampers . . . life's a thrill.
Phyllis Reinhard
No 3842 Set by John Crick
Slightly the wrong time of year, but you can get your practice in early. We want a circular response that would do for every single one of those dreaded circular "family newsletters" that arrive at Xmas.
Max 200 words by 5 August.
E-mail: comp@newstatesman.co.uk
