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Competition

Published 12 July 2004

Win vouchers to spend at any Tesco store

Competition No 3837

Set by Margaret Rogers, 21 June

You were asked for problem-page letters and replies from Ann Widdecombe.

Report by Ms de Meaner

One of the best. Hon menshes to Ian Birchall (Queen Victoria), John Marriott (Leda: "The other day I was sitting in the sun after bathing, when a large and beautiful swan settled on my naked body") and Andrew Wilcox (Macbeth). £20 to the winners. The best, Anne Du Croz, also gets the Tesco vouchers.

I take baskets of goodies to my grandmother in her woodland cottage. She's always been there for me, but nowadays she saps my sense of self-worth and I'm no longer comfortable around her. Bedridden, critical and smelly, she's hairier and more aggressive every time I go. She's even started gnashing her teeth at me. Last Sunday, a woodcutter warned me there were wolves about, but though I saw one I stopped to pick Granny a bunch of primroses. She threw them at me, so I walked out. Should I give two fingers to my inheritance, and refuse to see the old bat?

Little Red Riding Hood

Keep visiting! Drop the psychobabble and get a grip. A granny's not just for Christmas . . . But for her, you wouldn't be here moaning. Old ladies often have hairy chins and ill-fitting dentures. I hope she leaves her money to a donkey sanctuary, you mercenary lass! Wolves? If you don't bother wild animals, they won't bother you. Don't dawdle. Don't pick primroses either. God planted them for everyone to enjoy. You should be worrying about predatory woodcutters. Why attract attention to yourself by wearing red? Blue's much more demure.

Anne Du Croz

I joined a party whose leader campaigned vigorously for improvements in health, housing and welfare, and for curbing the excesses of wealth. As he began to challenge the legitimacy of the ruling authorities I began to have my doubts. I foolishly accepted a small amount of money in return for information about his future programme. At a special dinner party last night, he accused me directly of disloyalty, in front of the other 11 members of the executive committee. I was so embarrassed, but resolved to kiss and make up next day. But all that happened was he got arrested. I feel so bad about this that I almost want to end it all. What should I do?

Name and address withheld

You should know better than to fall for all that socialist nonsense. The man will get a fair trial, I am sure. I am quite disgusted by the kissing episode between adult males in public, but let that be. I assume you know how to put that money to good use. We all have our crosses to bear. For Christ's sake, get a life!

Gavin Ross

Although only a humble gamekeeper, I am having a passionate affair with my master's wife, Lady C. She lets me do anything I want, but seems somewhat less interested in anal sex than I would like. How can I encourage her enthusiasm in this area?

Name and address withheld

I made the mistake of reading your letter over breakfast. My cornflakes were ruined when Pugwash jumped off my lap, and Arbuthnot ran out of the room at the noises I was making. You must stop your disgusting activities immediately. In addition, adultery is wrong and must end. I think you should convert to Catholicism and straight away go to confession. You will find yourself met with a fine body of men who can give you sensible advice and would never think of engaging in perversions such as yours.

Martin Powell

I edit a distinguished weekly magazine, am the Tory MP for a safe seat and have just been given a responsibility as a shadow spokesman. Yet people still treat me as if I am a twit. Why?

Name and address withheld

Because you are a twit, Boris.

Lisbeth Rake

No 3840 Set by John Crick

"Angry Young Men", "bimbos", "anoraks", "thirtysomethings", "Nimbys", "Grumpy Old Men". We go through life moving from one label to another. Let's have some fun new ones.

As many as you like by 22 July. E-mail: comp@newstatesman.co.uk

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