Competition No 3835
Set by Brendan J O'Byrne, 7 June
You were asked to send in the diary of someone famous who wilfully fails to see the writing on the wall.
Report by Ms de Meaner
Amazing, the number of Tony Blairs that came in. What can you be thinking of? Hon menshes to J Seery for Anne Boleyn ("Had a note from dear, dear Harry inviting me to a tryst in the tower. 'Wear a low-necked dress,' it says. Whoa!"), D A Prince for Blair ("Monday: Cherie offers me a new guitar from e-Bay. Wow!") and Bill Greenwell for Robert Kilroy-Silk ("Slogans to gladden the heart. Bob-a-job. Smartie. All about tradition, these people"). £20 to the winners, the best of whom (M E Ault) also gets the Tesco vouchers.
Dear Diary,
A quiet Monday. Only one interruption: Gordon phoned. Had I seen the writing on the wall? "I may be hands-on," I told him, "but I can't clean up graffiti. Get on to Ken. He must have a machine."
Tuesday: Peter popped in muttering about "an emotional disturbance at the back-bench/front-bench interface". He'd sort it, he said, and popped out again. Good lad, but he makes summits out of molehills. Does he have a mole?
Wednesday: Jack phoned. Did I foresee and improvement in the "ear ark" situation? Everyone in the party has a funny accent. "I didn't realise you knew about my earache," I said. "It's better now, thank you." He laughed and hung up.
Thursday: I'm worried about Cherie. She must be stressed out. This morning she asked me whether, deep down, I wanted to wear another hat? Hats? I hardly ever wear hats. Cheered myself up by phoning Alastair. "Politics is a game of two halves," he said - "the winning half and the losing half, and, somewhere between the two, the rats jump ship." Everyone talks in riddles.
M E Ault
Monday: Woke up covered in boils. Wonder what's causing it. That Moses was around again this morning with some complaint or other. A real nuisance. Had the servants send him off with a flea in his ear.
Tuesday: Weather bad all day. Had to stay in. Moses banging on the door again. Doesn't he ever stop?
Wednesday: First hail, now frogs! I've asked around, but nobody knows where they came from. Well, these things are sent to try us. I'll really have to do something about that Moses. He was kicking up a fuss outside again. It's most irritating.
Thursday: Now the Nile has turned into a river of blood. Just like that! I don't have much luck, do I? That Moses is getting beyond a joke. Made his usual daily call. I wish he'd just go away.
Friday: I don't believe it! After all that, it's locusts! And Moses came around again. I'm starting to think he'll have to go . . .
Michael Cregan
5 June: "This is BT 1571. You have no new messages." Dammit, phone's not working properly. Have to get it fixed. Funny, it was working yesterday. Phoned the agency. Seemed keen to help me. Put me on hold while they looked for suitable gigs. Listened to almost the entire Wagner Ring Cycle, interrupted every few bars by "Please continue to hold. Your call is important to us". Pays to have a good agent who's in demand. Somehow inexplicably cut off halfway through, though.
6 June: Bingo! Got some student work. Placed in reserve for the Luton University end-of-term ball. Will be standing in if Rod Hull and Emu Tribute Band pull out. Cool. Better start practising.
15 June: Nearly got the gig, but they let Emu go on alone. Never mind. It seems Grimsby Town's mascot is unwell, so I've been asked if I'd like to step in for Saturday's crunch Derby match against Hull City, dressed as some sort of fish. Also local cable shopping channel interviewing for someone to sell socks. Yessss! You'd better believe it. Tarby's still got what it takes!
David Silverman
No 3838 Set by Dipak Ghosh
Prince Charles's coat of arms has two mottoes: "Evil on him who thinks evil" and "I serve". We want two mottoes for the coat of arms of prominent members of the cabinet and shadow cabinet.
As many goes as you like by 8 July. E-mail: comp@newstatesman.co.uk
