Competition No 3832
Set by Brendan O'Byrne, 17 May
Existing brand names or slogans could be disastrous if used for companies other than the ones they were created for. You were asked for unfortunate examples.
Report by Ms de Meaner
I lost track of the number of Virgin and Stork Condoms that got sent in, however amusing they were the first time I saw them. I was also amused by rule-breaking offerings such as Clinton Stain Remover (one such entrant sent in Shipman Funeral Parlour and Lynndie Dog Leashes), but where are these "existing brand names" to be found? The winners get £15, the overall winner, Anne Du Croz, also gets the Tesco vouchers, and the single/doubletons get £5 book tokens.
Maxwell House Personal Pensions
Smeg, fragrance for men
Sloggi, US contract prison guards
Stork Contraceptive Services
Mercury Canned Tuna
Screwfix Escort Agency
Anne Du Croz
Hello Funeral Parlour
Pampers Shampoo
Impulse Financial Advisers
Margaret Rogers
Next Dating Services
Green & Black, interior decorators
Ecco Sound Systems
Wrangler Relationship Counselling
The Body Shop, escorts of quality
Basil Ransome-Davies
New Look, reproduction furniture-makers
Oddbins, interior designers
Safeway Adventure Holidays
Bosch, cosmetic surgery clinic
Penguin Heating Engineers
PC World, exclusive hunting, shooting and fishing suppliers
M E Ault
Cheerios Funeral Parlour
Fed-ex, divorce lawyers
Famous Grouse, the Consumers' Association magazine
Sugar Puffs, premium cigars
Silent Night Car Alarms
Somerfield Hay Fever Tablets
Woodpecker Furniture Polish
Bonio Slimming Club
David Carter
Mr Muscle, marriage guidance
La Vache Qui Rit Abattoir
Quavers Assertiveness Training
Smash Airlines
Mr Whippy, animal protection
Gap Dental Practice
Acorn Chiropodists
Yahoo! Transcendental Meditation
Bill Greenwell
The Body Shop, funeral directors
New Labour, surrogate motherhood agency
Barbara Smoker
Penguin African Safaris
Windows Installed by Wall's
Michael Cregan
Gap Roofing Specialists
Josh Ekroy
Windows 2000 State Prison
Dean Groman
Wanadoo English Language School
Adrian Fry
Walkers Stairlifts
D A Prince
Macintosh's Sunshine Holidays
G M Davis
Orange Washes Whiter
Yahoo! School of Etiquette
Ian Birchall
Winalot, bookmakers
David Silverman
No 3835 Set Brendan J O'Byrne
Suddenly the signs are all there: your heirs cease to grovel, the birds and squirrels start feeding you. We want an excerpt from the diary of someone famous who wilfully fails to understand the writing on the wall.
Max 200 words by 17 June. E-mail: comp@newstatesman.co.uk
