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Competition

Published 31 May 2004

Win vouchers to spend at any Tesco store

Competition No 3831

Set by John Crick, 10 May

You were asked to think up loony laws that you would like to see on the statute book.

Report by Ms de Meaner

David Silverman did something I wasn't expecting and just sent in a concise list. No need for any explanations there! I was also surprised that so many of you didn't bother to think up titles for your new laws. T J Strain, for example, could have experimented fruitfully with some sort of impartiality clause in an amended Communications Act. Eh bien. Ian Birchall gets £20 and the Tesco vouchers, while David Silverman gets £15 and the rest can have £5 book tokens.

Antisocial Behaviour Act (2005) Imposes a lengthy prison sentence on anyone guilty of behaviour liable to cause offence to a tabloid journalist.

Traffic Facilitation Act (2007) Any local authority imposing a congestion charge must ban all buses from the zone. This will enable cars to move more quickly, and help to reduce obesity among the urban poor.

Royal Mail Improvement Act (2006) Removes any liability from the Royal Mail in the event of the loss of items of correspondence, even if registered, which do not include advertising material.

Registration of Terrorism Act (2007) Requires all terrorists seeking to practise their profession to register with the Home Office. Registration will be given only to those who guarantee that all purchase of weapons will be from recognised international arms dealers.

Ian Birchall

The Use's of Apostrophe's (Amendment's) Act (2004)

The Parliamentary Transparency (Demystification of Obfuscating Legislative Nomenclature) Act

The Acceleration of Parliamentary Procedures Act (1973)

The Calendar Amendment Act (5744)

The Procrastination Act Bill (Draft) (Date to be confirmed)

The Official Secrets (Amendment) Act (Date withheld)

David Silverman

The Farewell and Comeback Tour Act States that any artiste or performer who has advertised a series of concerts as "a farewell tour" is prevented from undertaking any further employment whatsoever. "A comeback tour" would be punishable by an income tax rate of 200 per cent or ten years in prison, depending on the whim of a circuit judge.

Bill Greenwell

The Non-Dogma Act All foxhounds should be muzzled in public.

Martin Green

"My grandfather's brother lived to 101, smoked 60 roll-ups a day all his life. Never did him any harm." To be printed underneath the health warning on all tobacco products.

T J Strain

The Bellenger-Greenwell Act Makes it illegal to enter competitions under an assumed name and includes the Prince-Ransome-Birchall clause, banning over-frequent winners.

Paul McCunn

Breastfeeding in public to be made compulsory for all mothers.

All company cars to have the words "COMPANY CAR" daubed on them in pink Day-Glo.

Josh Ekroy

The Spurious Baked Potato Act Bans the sale as "baked in their jackets" of potatoes that have merely been zapped in a microwave.

Anne Du Croz

No 3834 Set by Brendan J O'Byrne

Hints celebrities were given as children about their destinies: eg, to Al Einstein, it often seemed that time moved slower when he was with his relatives; Georgie Orwell hated it when his older brother was left to watch him; "One day, Nicky, you're going to grow up and find that the world doesn't revolve around you," warned Mrs Copernicus.

As many as you like by 10 June. E-mail: comp@newstatesman.co.uk

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