There aren't many situations in which deciding whether to drink becomes an issue. It is best to refuse the offer of a glass of wine if lunching with parents-in-law or a prospective employer. Similarly, only pros can risk a drink before making a speech or appearing on television. (The one time I attempted the latter, the combination of nerves and a few slugs of Jacob's Creek in the green room made me faint, just as the producers had warned it would.) But the real teaser is what to do with someone who has recently joined the swelling ranks of Alcoholics Anonymous.
Most dates hinge on achieving a balance between uninhibited tipsiness and incapacitation. Drink is to that first awkward dinner what the epidural is to the long labour - and every bit as crucial as the knowledge that you are wearing your special undies and carrying emergency breath freshener. Plus, it gets you off the hook: you weren't boring, just a little the worse for wear; he wasn't lecherous, simply under the influence. Both of you are blameless the morning after, whichever way the evening goes. Not so the date when one of you is sipping Diet Pepsi and is as sober as Cliff Richard. This has more in common with one of those 1960s behavioural experiments: man in black spectacles and carrying clipboard monitors the effect of stimulants on female lacking in will-power.
Some would advise that it's polite to stick to San Pellegrino on the AA date. But in my experience, it is best to forget about his feelings and drink for both of you. For it is not only the recovering alcoholic who is struggling with a new and difficult situation. While it is perfectly acceptable for a man to know nothing about cars, or sport, and have a weedy, Jarvis Cocker-type physique, the date who doesn't drink is minus a large slice of his danger factor, aka sex appeal. So it is down to you to transport yourself to a place where that no longer matters. Similarly, you need to compensate for his nerves and inhibitions by being twice as relaxed and encouraging. By the way, don't be surprised if a double espresso lands on the restaurant table before the menus arrive: this is one of many caffeine hits he hopes will get him to the place that vodka used to, but will only succeed in making him as jumpy as a judge in a brothel.
Make no mistake, this date is never going to end happily, so you might as well enjoy the wine list. He needs to be with someone sober, who understands what it's like to try to seduce a girl from a cold start, and you need to be with someone who can see, unprompted, why the shape of the bread rolls is uproariously funny. Realistically, drinkers and non-drinkers are not sexually compatible and shouldn't even give it a go, at least not in the short term.
