Competition No 3829

Set by John Crick, 26 April

Status anxiety is the latest syndrome. You were asked for others and possible cures.

Report by Ms de Meaner

There were a few I was sad to lose: D A Prince, Bill Greenwell, Michael Cregan and El Basilio. £20 to the winners: Josh Ekroy also gets the Tesco vouchers.

When a historian tells you Eleanor of Aquitaine was "a sort of medieval Princess Di", or a physicist attempts an explanation of string theory with string, or a professor of literature asserts that Titus Andronicus is the forerunner of the horror movie, you are witnessing Paranoid Simplification Syndrome, a condition in which fear of audience indifference compels sufferers to hideous oversimplification of their subject. Though famous sufferers include Robert Winston, Alain de Botton and everyone who ever presented Tomorrow's World, the real damage is done in the lecture theatre, where generations of students are daily convinced that history is a library of metaphors to illustrate current affairs, literature includes rap, and that sociology is a science. The cure? Stephen Hawking's A Brief History of Time, swallowed whole, reasserts the truth; complexity is what makes knowledge worth acquiring.

Adrian Fry

Obsessive-Consultative Disorder is a form of jargon aphasia in which the patient's semantically empty speech is marked by the presence of terms such as "viable", "stakeholder", "quality management" and, of course, "consult". Therapy: a consultative focus group of all parties involved will draw up a feasible treatment plan in accordance with best practice. (Warning: Folk remedies, though of established effectiveness, may lead to the therapist's being charged with actual or grievous bodily harm.)

Attention to Darcus Howe Disorder (ADHD) shows up in severe worries concerning brutality, corruption and racist persecution, up to and including genocide. Therapy: none is required, as these fears are entirely rational.

Andrew Wilcox

After hours of undisciplined TV viewing, you get the idea that your perfectly adequate house is in fact a cesspit of bad taste with a repellent bathroom and an unspeakably vile kitchen. Furthermore, you become convinced that the crow's-feet around your eyes, which once seemed characterful, are signs of irredeemable failure in life. Make-over Anxiety makes you begin to fear that a fair American woman with a squint will enter your home unannounced and say, "So this was your choice of settee, was it?" and "Carpets in the bathroom are so unhygienic." You worry, as you stand naked in front of the mirror - something you do obsessively now - that a young woman accompanied by a sprucely accoutred team of youthful persons will break in and laugh at your pot-belly, smother you in peach-flavoured mud and rip out your eyebrows. Cure: emigrate to Namibia.

Josh Ekroy

A sufferer of Undisclosed Brilliance Syndrome (UBS) believes his thoughts are so brilliant that he owes it both to himself and to the world to give them maximum publicity. Must be distinguished from Messiah Complex, with its wish to save the world. The UBS patient is happy for the world to go to the dogs, provided all its inhabitants know of his correct analysis of the situation. Frequently begins by calling radio phone-ins to correct minor factual errors. Next stage is writing to local newspapers, always using own name, never "Disgruntled, Chester-le-Street". More serious cases take to journalism. No known cure, but certain alleviations available - eg, suggest public unable to grasp ideas of such brilliance; advise setting up own website; try "A sign of true genius is constant, silent immobility in contemplation of its own greatness" tack. In extreme cases, recommend Hyde Park Corner.

J Seery

No 3832 Set by Brendan O'Byrne

Existing brand names or slogans could be disastrous if used by companies other than the ones they were created for. How about Domino's as a name for a construction company, for example?

As many goes as you like by 27 May. E-mail: comp@newstatesman.co.uk