Competition No 3828
Set by Gavin Ross, 19 April
You were asked for spoof advice on dealing with terrorists or terrorism.
Report by Ms de Meaner
Wonderful. £5 book tokens for the one-liners. £20 to the three winners. Ian Birchall also gets the Tesco vouchers.
As the Daily Mail has pointed out, if you sleep eight hours a day, then you have a one-in-three chance of being killed by a terrorist outrage while asleep. If we sleep only four hours a day, that possibility is halved. And think what it would do for national productivity and morale.
Be particularly cautious on public transport. Things are not always what they seem. What do you call a person who keeps their luggage with them at all times? A suicide bomber.
Terrorists are subtle. They don't appear in public as loud-mouthed fanatics. Take Mr H, a pillar of the local Conservative Association and well-known for his attachment to law and order. But checks show that his father was an asylum-seeker. Just the sort of person who might be a terrorist mastermind.
Never surrender. If a terrorist bomb goes off near you, just keep standing and refuse to bleed. And remember, the use of violence will never triumph. After all, how did we win the Second World War?
Ian Birchall
In case you are fortunate enough to be taken hostage, make sure you have about your person a suitable supply of comestibles with which to barter. Tinned fruit and Spam will be welcome, which means that you should also carry something sharp to open it, which will make your captors especially well-disposed to you. Video cassettes are also likely to be appreciated. Don't take brand new ones - why not take all those old recordings you'll never get around to watching (Lawrence of Arabia, How the West Was Won, Exodus - be honest, you'll never find the time, will you?). Fellow hostages should also be borne in mind. Take some uplifting fiction to read aloud. One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich is a jolly book at bedtime.
Conditions may be strictly one-star, so make sure you also carry a pillow and an inflatable mattress. Take some water, too, preferably not in obvious containers such as Evian bottles. Little water pistols hidden about your person would be better, and will help you protect your supply. Finally: in the event that you are seized, make sure you have learnt to speak American.
Bill Greenwell
If you spot an unattended Muslim in your local train station, do not touch him: call the police, who will detonate him safely.
Remember, all terrorists wear beards. If, at the barbers, you see a man having his trimmed, call Mr Blunkett: he can have the establishment closed down.
If you think you've been the victim of a chemical attack, wait for advice from the authorities before removing your clothes for decontamination, as you will be arrested for any display of public nudity.
When travelling to the US, pledge allegiance to the Project for the New American Century: this will ensure that God blesses and protects you.
If you are a member of the armed forces, remember that rape, pillage or murder in the theatre of an illegal war is not terrorism, but upholding decent democratic values.
Vote Tony! (Or George!!) (Or Ariel!!!)
Albert Black
Do not approach the bomb without a long-handled shovel of at least 120cm.
Michael Birt
If, when about to travel by rail, you suspect a terrorist attack may be imminent, buy a single ticket rather than a return, as this may save you a few quid.
Michael Cregan
Should a gang of armed and masked men break down your door at 4am and threaten you with abduction, torture and death, do not call the police. They are the police.
Basil Ransome-Davies
No 3831 Set by John Crick
Listeners to a recent radio programme were asked to think up new laws they would like to see on the statute book. Let's see some of your (loony) ideas.
As many as you like by 20 May. E-mail: comp@newstatesman.co.uk
