Competition No 3827
Set by John Crick, 12 April
You were asked for an EU members' glossary to explain terms such as Dutch courage, Russian roulette and so on.
Report by Ms de Meaner
Some excellent entries. I wasn't sure about some of Andrew Wilcox's French-language entries (eg, le vice anglais: rejection of the euro/adherence to sterling; and capote anglaise: UK proposal for European HIV policy), which I felt bent the rules. Otherwise, you all had lots of fun. £20 each to J Seery and John Griffiths-Colby; a tenner each to G M Davis and R J Pickles. The overall winner is J Seery, who also gets the Tesco vouchers.
French leave: permission the French give themselves to do what they please.
French polish: the suavity with which the French take French leave.
French dressing: the camouflage under which French leave is taken if the French polish is noticeably tarnished.
Spanish fly: a form of fishing that allows Spanish trawlers to fish off Cornish piers but not vice versa.
Swiss roll: bales of cash stashed in Swiss banks by, eg, third world dictators, mafiosi, British tax evaders.
Dutch caps: an impenetrable joke involving contraceptives, football, toy pistols and farm subsidies told by a people not famed for their lightning repartee.
British disease: a policy of reaching economic equality with other nations by hoping their productivity will sink to British levels.
Turkish delight: the realisation that any atrocity is fine provided it is approved by Washington. Not limited to Turkey.
J Seery
Dutch courage: the trait that allows a nation to supply and risk peacekeeping troops in world trouble spots while having no influence whatsoever on the international stage.
Turkish delight: the euphoria felt by the Turkish populace when they learn, once again, that their country is to be used as a staging post for military campaigns within WMD range of the stated aggressor.
French letter: a worthless promissory note issued by a government in exchange for any given arrangement, however dubious, suspect or bereft of moral consideration.
Swiss movement: the time lag between UN instruction to freeze a known terrorist's bank account and the execution of same, usually just long enough to withdraw, say, the balance on that account.
Irish linen: the very fabric of Irish society, giving rise to the Dail - a parliament named after a small, hand-made lace mat placed under a useless ornament.
Venetian blind: a particular ecological mindset adopted by those who would build on a sandbank in a lagoon. While not content to fill it with their own effluent, they would then proactively encourage millions of tourists to visit each year and do precisely the same.
John Griffiths-Colby
Spanish fly: a trouser zip manufactured from Toledo steel.
Double Dutch: paying for each other's meal on a dinner date.
French polish: a person of dual nationality -
Poland/France.
R J Pickles
Swiss roll: a profitable streak, as of financiers in Switzerland taking opportunistic advantage of the EU without membership.
Dutch uncle: a youth counsellor giving advice on which type of cannabis to use.
French windows: a software programme that crashes every day between noon and 3pm.
G M Davis
No 3830 Set by John O'Byrne
David Cox, in his review of A Survival Guide to Later Life (NS, 19 April), pointed out that "at the next general election a majority of voters will be either retired or within five years of retirement". What could the manifesto of the Grey Liberation Party offer to tempt the electorate?
Max 200 words by 13 May. E-mail: comp@newstatesman.co.uk
